100 days

So, like so many before me, I have fallen to the trap of ignoring most things since I've been married! I admit my guilt and apologise to all the friends I've blamed for doing exactly that.

The problem is, how can I happily ignore my new shared existence for the solitary task of writing a blog? I have to be fair and state that my other half, has been nagging me to return to my writings but the temptation of sharing the simplest and most basic things in life with him is far too strong for me to forsake and this has resulted in a worrying back log of daily chores, meetings with friends and bloging about life, universe and everything else I (we)'ve been up to.

So almost a 100 days after my wedding day (which was a nerve raking but enjoyable affair) how is life different?
I still wake up early in the morning, have my coffee and rush to work 5 days a week. I still return home after spending the whole day in endless deliberation with people at the office and dose off in front of the TV by 10. On the face of it, life is very much back to what it was a 101 days ago but appearances could not be more deceiving!
I wake up in the morning to be greeted by a loving joyful smile, I think I must have fallen in love with that smile all over again because of these morning treats, the whole day begins on a high note from such an apparently small thing. It's wonderful to realise that you can make someone so happy just by being there...
My morning coffee is not just a coffee anymore, it's the outcome of many tries and tests to ensure that it's as I like it, now my morning coffee awaits for me and is preceded with a kiss and followed by a farewell hug before I head to work. There hasn't been much of a summer this year in London but my sky has never been so blue when I leave to the office in the morning.

Now, for the first time in a very long time, my work isn't my world. I have finely managed to move away from rotating alone around a thing to navigating on a more defined path with someone. It wasn't, and still not, easy to realise that my choices now impact someone other than me. The responsibility is magnified exponentially but then the reward has grown by far greater measures. I still don't know in which direction the wind will blow but knowing that I wont be pushed alone, some might think this is a bit cowardly, makes the journey much less stressful and much more enjoyable. I am a strong person, but I never realised how heavy the burden was till I had shared it with him. Now the weight is lighter and the carrying is easier.

Finally I have someone I can share all the things I love with, adventure and all. Listening to Barber of Seville under the pouring rain then singing Figaro on the train back home while trying not to wet the seats with our drenched cloth, promenading at the Royal Albert Hall for a whole season, who other than my husband will agree to stand for 3 hours listening to classical music more than once a month? We have been there 3 times already, the BBC Prom season is still at the beginning and I still cannot believe that I'll be attending the Last Night of the Proms in person, with him.

It seems that I can cook! Not to the extent of Abufares or Kano but enough for my husband to put on some weight! In the time honoured tradition of Syrian wives, the aim is get the husband 10% heavier within the first 6 month. Now, not cooking for anyone before and having my diet restricted to takeaways and microwavable dishes for the past 5 years, I didn't have much hopes when hubby came over but either he's still very much in love, or miraculously, I have managed to pick up a couple of hints from mum. She, bless her, now asks me what did I cook when I talk to her on my weekly phonecall home, she's always ready with fast and easy recipes to whisk in 20m or less. The problem is, I'm never one to follow a recipe and I always end up following my own instinct with ingredients and timing. So far I have made Courgette(a.k.a Zurchini) with yogurt and rice, garden peas with tomato sauce and rice which ended up being a cross between the traditional Syrian dish and a meat and vegetable curry and stuffed mushrooms with vegetables and cheese toping. I'm discovering the joys of inventing something totally crazy and having someone cleaning the plate to the last rice grain and then insist on doing the dishes!

It has taken me long to return back to my notebook and blog, not because I don't want to, but because life has been so good over the last 100 days and while we share our sorrows with other without much reluctance, we jealously guard our happiness and keep it a well hidden secret. Maybe because you're always worried that the second you say you're happy something bad will happen, maybe because happiness just keeps you wrapped in its warm embrace that you easily forget about anything beyond it. I have stolen myself away from it this afternoon while he was mowing the lawn; enjoying the gentle breath, stealing side glances at him and writing, I check that he's really there and that I'm not going to be woken up from this dream anytime soon. I still reach out to him to make sure his there during the short summer nights and we still call each other as much as possible during the day.
I started this blog to share with him the things I couldn't say over the phone, it has been my dream and my emotional base for so long that now going back to it while he's by my side feels a bit unusual. I don't know what this blog will be from this day onward? Can it remain as “Snapshot from a Syrian girl's daily life in The City ”? I'm not sure it has ever been but I believe that blogs, like any product of the creative process, grow organically. Maybe in a year's time, this will be a place to share cooking jocks/disasters or best cleaning advices. Maybe it will be full of events and activities in London, or maybe, just maybe, it will remain a snapshot of a Syrian girl's life, a small corner when I can share a dream and the pursuit of happyness.

I'm at one of those moment of pure happiness now, dare I dream when/what the next one will be?

عش و دع الآخرين يعيشون

هذه ترجمة لموضوع في مدونة أبو فارس تحمل الأسم ذاته

عش و دع الآخرين يعيشون

ردا على أحدث الاحتجاجات المتعصبة في فضاء التدوين السوري ضد المثلية الجنسية

لم أتخيل قط أن يوما سيأتي أضطر فيه للوقوف و القتال في سبيل حق المثليين الجنسيين في أن يكونوا ما اختاروا كونه. أنا لا أوافق على نظرتهم للحياة، و لا اتفق مع ما يفضلونه، ولا أفهم تماما خيارهم و لكن هذا أقصى ما يمكنني الوصول إليه. و لا يجب أن يعميني رأيي و ميولي الشخصية عن وجودهم و علي أن أخرس و التزم بحرية خيارهم.

كيف يمكننا أن نوقف أنفسنا من أن نقمع كل أشكال عدم الانسجام؟ هل يجب علينا أن نبدأ بتطهير مجتمعنا (كما لو أنه كان نظيفا بالأساس) من المثليين الجنسيين و أن نتابع القائمة بلا هوادة؟ دعونا نوضح هوية الأهداف (الضحايا) اللاحقة لهذه الحملة الأخلاقية.

الملحدون، الزناة، شاربو الكحول ، النساء غير المحجبات، الرجال غير الملتحين، العشاق، مرتادو النوادي الليلية، المتسكعون على الشواطئ، الفتيات المثيرات، الفنانون، الشعراء، الشيوعيون، الكتاب غير الوقورين، الناس ذوي الشكل المختلف... المدونون الأحرار. للأسف فالقائمة طويلة جدا و شاملة للجميع.

أين ينوي هؤلاء البلهاء أن يتوقفوا؟

ما الذي سيفعلونه بمن لا ينسجم معهم؟ دع الأمر لهؤلاء المنافقين دينياً و سيقومون باستبدالنا بمجموعة من المتعصبين مغسولي الدماغ، المتعففين بحماسة، الحمقى بورع، الصليبيين بإيمان، الآليين بتقوى، و الدعاة الإلهيين الذين سيعلمون من تبقى منا كيف يعيشون. ما علينا فعله و ما علينا الامتناع عن قوله. كيف نغض بصرنا و كيف لا نضحك. لماذا نموت و لم علينا أن نعيش حياة زهد وصولا للقبر.

شكراً و لكن لا شكراً. المتشددون و الأصوليون و المنافقون و المتعصبون و التابعون لم يتركوا لي أي خيار سوى الدفاع عن سوريا متعددة الأوجه و حماية حريتي الشخصية بالاختيار.

عش و دع الآخرين يعيشون

في تشرين ثاني 2008 كتبت عن المرتعشين العلمانيين و الحمى الدينية و قد كنت ملاماً إلى حد مالأني نظرت إلى مجتمع المدونين السوري بالأبيض و الأسود، كيف تعجبكم تلك الألوان اليوم؟

down time

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full" Henry A Kissinger.

I’ve allowed myself to “borrow” this quote from a friend’s status update, it was too good to pass by without due assessment!

There are so many theories suggesting that we all pass through periods of down time, when things seem to be always, not going wrong, but not going right either. Your appointments are cancelled, your papers are lost, when you’re running a marathon and someone trips you at the last 100m, how easy is it to stand up again and cross the finishing line?

I’ve had a low spell for the past couple of weeks, combine that with pre wedding nerves and sorting out my work before leaving for a long break and you will get a nasty headache and a sinking feeling that I’m running out of time and favours.

Today, I reach a surreal point when my friend who was due to accompany me to my final dress fitting (that is my wedding dress) called in sick! Poor girl was really feeling bad for abandoning me at the last minute. Funny enough I was by far calmer than her, in the back of my mind, I knew to expect anything and everything going a bit wrong from now till the wedding but surprisingly enough I think I have reach a point of self soothing with such things not stressing me out any more.

With the last 100m dash before W day, it’s very easy to lose track of the big picture and get lost and frustrated with the little annoyances that come our way. Maybe it’s nature’s way of checking our resilience and the strength of our resolve to be together for the rest of our life. The bigger picture with us taking our first step together in a road that can take us anywhere and everywhere can be overwhelming. That road will not be easy but even with all the silly hiccups that happened and will happen, every step of this road will be worth all the trouble, the big adventure of life will finally start and what doesn’t break us (and hopefully nothing will) will make “us” stronger.

So whatever is behind this down spell or how long it lasts, seeing the finishing line so close will keep me going, and I know that it will do the same to him till we cross that line together.

T minus 5 weeks and counting….

First Dance

So why have I decided to write this blog at 37000 feet above sea level? Well simple, trying to waste my time during a 6 hour flight I started listening to some music on my ipod, so far a normal thing to do in these cases but this time I wasn't listening to just any music, I was listening to my shortlist for my First Dance!

One would think this shouldn't be too much of a chore, that every couple must have an all time favoured that they shared at a special time and that lasted with them through thick and thin. Sounds all so romantic (which is what a first dance should be) however having had an unorthodox relationship with my husband to be, we didn't have just one special moment but a million and while a song might have a special meaning, each new day for us carried so many challenges and so many changes that each had it's own special tune that has its place in my heart and I'm sure in his.

I remember the first song was the one that just spelled the missing and longing, “when I need you”, yes my dear reader, I only had to close my eyes and his loving arms would be keeping me safe and warm as we had to cross miles and miles of empty space in between us.

But the distance and the longing has shaped our relationship in ways that couples living close to each other cannot see, the love that we shared was far more reaching and engulfing. If a first dance can be to an Um Kulthum song, then my choice will be “el 7ub kuluh” all the love I loved in you. Anything before dissolved into a distant memory and life and love were just him.

There were times in the past three and a half years that I was simply overwhelmed by what he means to me, I'll be going about my work and my life and a feeling of pure unstoppable joy will overtake me with the thought that he loves me, he was my “everything” and he was the cool water in the hot summer and the line in the sand guiding me to the way.

Life goes on and what started as a rush of emotion has settled into a calmer wider ocean, vast and welcoming, life was perfect even with all the craziness of the world around us and one had to wonder “what a wonderful world”

Always, forever and a day, “we both know that our love will grow and forever it will be you and me” and I will love you so for always. Not a lot of certainties in life but this is one of the few I know and live by.

Now as this part of our journey comes to an end and a whole new life is stretching before us, I know that this journey will be an amazing one, I know that “you and my can light up the sky if you stay by my side”, “all the stars are coming out tonight, lighting up the star tonight for you” my one and only.

I know that if it was up to me, I would spend not only our wedding but my life, dancing to the rhythms that we shared over time, how can I chose just one and say that's the one when life with you is one song of love and companionship?

For me, at last I found that someone worth sharing life with, “at last, my love has come along, my lonely days are over, and life is like a song”.... at last I found the dream that I could speak to, a dream that I can call my own. You smiled and then the spell was cast and here we are in heaven for you are mine at last..
at last .....
at last ........

let it snow, let is snow, let is snow

 
 
 
 

Yet another day

27 December 2008, 11:30am: Israel start the Operation Cast Lead bombing Gaza

3 January 2009, ground invasion began, with mechanised infantry, armour, and artillery units, supported by helicopter gunships

8 January 2009, UN Security Council approves resolution 1860 calling for an immediate ceasefire and raising concerns regarding the humanitarian situation in the Gaza Strip

18 January 2009, Israel announces a unilateral ceasefire with Hamas, this came into effect 2 a.m. local time

during the 23 days operation:

1320 Palestinian killed of which 417 children and 108 women. In total 700 civilians were killed.

5340 injured among which more than 500 are in critical situation.

13 Israelis killed

20,000 homes have been damaged

2,000 homes destroyed

50,800 Gazans were left homeless.

400,000 Gazans were left without running water

Estimated cost of rebuilding Gaza will exceed $1bn

20 January 2009, the Arab Economic Summit in Kuwait ended in a general statement due to differences about Gaza preventing a stronger closing statement.

20 January 2009, Barak Hussain Obama is sworn as the 44^th President of the United States of America. He is the first African American President to lead the US, more than 2 million people have attended the inauguration in Washington DC, estimates that more than 1 billion people have watched the proceedings on screen.

Not since Kennedy, and some say not never, has an American President has had such attention with such high hopes, from around the world resting on his shoulders. In his inauguration speech, President Obama said:

“we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord”

“we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.”

“In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned.”

“we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals”

Dare we grieve the dead?

Dare we hope for the living?

Inside scarred minds

Razan shared this as well and I thought it's worth another read

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