Today I didn't know how the day went, what work I've done and emails I've answered. The only thing I remember is that I was two people, one talking to colleagues and working as usual and one hiding away trying to stop the tears that refused to stop. you cant stop tears when your mourning a person, how can stop the tears when your mourning a country?
Throughout the past 23 months I've kept believing in a Syria that will remain standing, hurt and weak but standing none the less and can be tended back to recovery over 5, 10 years. Today, for the first time, my thoughts were will there be a Syria for me to go back to? Like being told that your beloved is terminally ill and all you can do is say your good byes and wait.
Today I realised that there will never be a winner in this war, we will not win anything, not freedom, not dignity, not prosperity and civility. We've lost security and independence, standing and our footfall for generations to come.
The Economists cover on stands tomorrow depicts the death of a country, murdered at the hands of its children, all of them.
I know I will get the revolutionaries screaming how it is all the regime's doing for being too violent and too blooded. Well the regime is all you say but you knew that from day one, didn't care, decided to propagate an uprising from behind you PC screens and then being surprised when the beast reacted as a beast does. You've never had an end game from day one so how did you expect any other outcome.
Played and manipulated by anyone and everyone, you saw Saudi as a saviour and Qatar as defenders of democracy and didn't think that there was something odd and very wrong with that, or you did and decided to ignore any nagging feeling and push it to the back of you mind with statement about necessity and the cruelty of the other side that justifies dealing with the devil itself to reach your end.
The pro regime people are not much better, you've accepted that it was necessary to use a sludge hammer to swat a fly and now you're wondering why the house is starting to fall apart? Whether it was fear or conviction, you as well have silenced the voices nagging at the back of your head with slogans of "national dignity" and "no voice rise above the voice of battle".
And where are the middle people? They're the ones whose lives are wasted, lost, whose blood shed and hopes killed. The people in the middle always pushed to take one side or the other, unheard and unseen except as a victim numbers used to push an agenda. They're the statistic that has no voice and forced to constant silence by both sides.
Were we weak? Could we have stopped more firmly to face both sides?
Is our silence and cowardness the sin we're now paying for? Whether inside Syria or outside, the punishment is equally painful and protracted with the only difference is live vs imagined scenery.
Today, going through the motions of work consumed any energy I had. I really envied the people back home, at least you can show your true face, go out, do something to help others. I envied the volunteers of the syrian red crescent, carrying their lives on their hands and sharing the last specs of humanity left in Syria like tiny little tea lights flickering against the gathering darkness. They are the only beautiful thing left in a country once all beautiful.
Will Syria rise from the ashes or will something else grow in its place? This is a question I don't have an answer for and I don't know anyone that does.
I just hear words and words are air, they mean nothing! Not 23 months ago and definitely not today.