Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Lots of talk about nothing...


I try to write as a way to occupy my mind but every time I try I’m just drawn back to the same subject, I’m always drawn back to a centre point in this space called my life, I’m pulled back to him!

Every word I’ve written was for his eyes more than anyone else’s, I know that this may sound ungrateful to all the friends who read this blog but I cannot lie nor do I want to, he untied my hands to start writing again after so many years of staying away from writing and I know that his eyes were always there to read, appreciate, correct and comment with the honesty that has been the corner stone of our relationship..

Now, he’s been away for days so long, and will stay away for weeks that carry in its days the cold icy grip of loneliness and sadness of the soul before the aching of the heart.

I’m writing away my heartache for the million little things that I miss telling him of, of the few big things that I’m used to sharing with him for so long. I write and for the first time my words are carried through a virtual space to a prolonged empty void that stretches before me before his return.

He joked before he left telling me to enjoy my time of freedom away from him, that this will be the last “holiday” that I will have of him before a lifetime of being together but how this holiday feels like a long, never ending night.

It’s cold, brutal and harsh to ask someone to live without a heart for so long, the pain is overpowering and the imbalance is dizzying.

I know that I sound to your, dear friends still reading these words, like a silly teenager whining for no good reason! Trust me, until last week I was, like what everyone around me thought, a strong independent person; alas, my balance was shaken by the lack of a voice over the phone that wished me good morning and good night for the past few years, my solidity has been weakened by the awareness that I can’t just turn to him if I needed to. It’s not living my life through him, it’s gaining strength from the knowledge that he’s there.

The silly child that turned a strong woman in the past 4 years has uncovered the truth of how much one person means to her. Strange, I knew how important he is to me but I never imagined the extent to be that far reaching…

Forgive my outpour dear reader, I needed a place to scream and this void seemed the best of places, an echo will reach him one day and I’ll be pulled back from the cold to the worm life again, till then I rest my head on a cold empty pillow that still holds his scent and wait for a tomorrow that seems a lifetime away…

2 comments:

The Syrian Brit said...

I hear your screams.. I feel your overpowering pain.. I sense your loneliness.. and I know exactly where you are coming from, simply because I have been there myself...
But don't lose hope, my friend.. The 'tomorrow' you so eagerly await will be with you before you know it.. Let your hopes guide you through the dark tunnels of loneliness.. Let your dreams see you through the momentary sadness.. then you will appreciate your future happiness forever more...

abufares said...

SiL
He'll be back soon.
I know it must feel like ages to you. Just look at it this way, you'll be so happy when you get back together. And the waiting is worth it, trust me.
I wish him an easy time in his passage. He must be missing you terribly as well.
When he gets back online and reads your words he'll be as if he's the luckiest man in the world.