2009 & I

The book of love is long and boring

No one can lift the damn thing

It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing

But I

I love it when you read to me

And you

You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it

In fact that's where music comes from

Some of it is just transcendental

Some of it is just really dumb

But I

I love it when you sing to me

And you

You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know

But I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

And I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

And I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

You ought to give me wedding rings

First Dance

So why have I decided to write this blog at 37000 feet above sea level? Well simple, trying to waste my time during a 6 hour flight I started listening to some music on my ipod, so far a normal thing to do in these cases but this time I wasn't listening to just any music, I was listening to my shortlist for my First Dance!

One would think this shouldn't be too much of a chore, that every couple must have an all time favoured that they shared at a special time and that lasted with them through thick and thin. Sounds all so romantic (which is what a first dance should be) however having had an unorthodox relationship with my husband to be, we didn't have just one special moment but a million and while a song might have a special meaning, each new day for us carried so many challenges and so many changes that each had it's own special tune that has its place in my heart and I'm sure in his.

I remember the first song was the one that just spelled the missing and longing, “when I need you”, yes my dear reader, I only had to close my eyes and his loving arms would be keeping me safe and warm as we had to cross miles and miles of empty space in between us.

But the distance and the longing has shaped our relationship in ways that couples living close to each other cannot see, the love that we shared was far more reaching and engulfing. If a first dance can be to an Um Kulthum song, then my choice will be “el 7ub kuluh” all the love I loved in you. Anything before dissolved into a distant memory and life and love were just him.

There were times in the past three and a half years that I was simply overwhelmed by what he means to me, I'll be going about my work and my life and a feeling of pure unstoppable joy will overtake me with the thought that he loves me, he was my “everything” and he was the cool water in the hot summer and the line in the sand guiding me to the way.

Life goes on and what started as a rush of emotion has settled into a calmer wider ocean, vast and welcoming, life was perfect even with all the craziness of the world around us and one had to wonder “what a wonderful world”

Always, forever and a day, “we both know that our love will grow and forever it will be you and me” and I will love you so for always. Not a lot of certainties in life but this is one of the few I know and live by.

Now as this part of our journey comes to an end and a whole new life is stretching before us, I know that this journey will be an amazing one, I know that “you and my can light up the sky if you stay by my side”, “all the stars are coming out tonight, lighting up the star tonight for you” my one and only.

I know that if it was up to me, I would spend not only our wedding but my life, dancing to the rhythms that we shared over time, how can I chose just one and say that's the one when life with you is one song of love and companionship?

For me, at last I found that someone worth sharing life with, “at last, my love has come along, my lonely days are over, and life is like a song”.... at last I found the dream that I could speak to, a dream that I can call my own. You smiled and then the spell was cast and here we are in heaven for you are mine at last..
at last .....
at last ........

thoughts

As the rain drops click on the window my heart races to match their speed, driven only by the thought that this is the last winter that I'll be away from you and by the next time the trees shed their leaves, we will be watching the change of the seasons together.
I won't have to put your perfume on the pillow because finally you will be here & my head will forever rest on your shoulder & my breath will forever be scented with your love

A love less ordinary

I close my eyes and reach out, I can feel the warmth of his skin against mine and for a second the emptiness disappear folding the distance between us and I feel his face against the palm of my hand. He’s a breath away, I keep my eyes closed and I’m free falling through the gentleness of his smile and the joy I see reflected between the two of us stretches a lifetime of dreams and promises.

Whenever I think of love I think of a love less ordinary, as if there is something such as an ordinary love! I look back and see a passion that defied the distance, a connection that broke the lines of logic and normality and a simple belief in something extraordinary.

For long I wondered how this happened? I questioned with the scared heart of a child why was I blessed with such gift? When all around me are giving up in love, was I to be the one to carry on the faith that pure, unconditional, dizzyingly vast and all consuming love is out there to be won?

Years have passed, what started as a unique friendship has changed overnight to an avalanche of emotion that buried everything with a blanket of sweetness. Years on, and that sweetness remains, magically fragranced, intoxicating the soul with so much happiness.

Years on and I’m a changed person, but how can I not change when I know that after so long, I will never be alone again? A person can live his or her life alone, friends, family and colleagues are shadows that pass along the way but there is a personal space around that is never breach or violated. I walked through life with that space untouched, and with every broken heart, with every sad farewell the wall is tougher to break and harder to breach, I walked that lonely road till he walked to me and that wall vanished to thin air… He showed me what love is, held my hand and promised me with a believer’s faith, a child’s joy and a warrior’s strength that I will never have to walk alone ever again. He didn’t have to promise with words for the look in his eyes made a thousand and one promises for all to see and for me to cherish.

Now I know that I will never be alone again, oblivious to the distance separating us, I just close my eyes and lose myself in that promise. I know that while miles and miles of empty spaces between us he’s only a heartbeat way.

He is my faith and our love is my constitution, I can take anything that life throws at me for I shall never be alone.

For now I have known love and for that I will never be just a thought passing in time.

Now I’m truly loved and for that, I will forever leave a trace of something more than just a life lived.

You whisper your love for me to wake up to

and my heart blossoms a rose under your fingertips

Sorry &a bit more

I have been away for some time now, more than a month has passed since I last posted on this blog and I know that there was a number of you who commented on various previous posts but for a lot of reasons that would take way too much space I could not reply to you...For them who took the time to read and comment and to you, dear unknown friends, I send my apologies for this prolonged absence.

Thinking that I haven't written anything for some time has led me to think of the question, do you have to write for the sake of writing something? a blog, being a place were we bloggers note down our thoughts and ideas, should never be a commitment as such, it must not become a thing I have to do but should always be something I would like to do. In the end we, the happy bloggers community, aim to share a thought or a feeling or to advise and inform; but do we have a commitment to write? Is it ever a job in that sense? I think, and I hope you agree, that it's not! I have days when I sit in front of my screen and feel the need to communicate with you my dear friends and that is when I open a new posting and start typing. I feel that at those times, I’m happy that I’m talking to you, laughing, or just chatting about the various every day events that I have faced or noticed. I believe the every human has his/her unique way of understanding things and absorbing them (I have said as much before somewhere here) and telling things our way help all of us to gain prospective on life, universe and every thing else* and that is what every blogger aim to do, share, absorb and convey to others what little they have to offer.

The last few weeks have seen so many changes in my life, foundations of a new life have been set firmly on the ground God willing, and I feel that I’m on the verge of something so amazingly wonderful but so unbelievable personal that I want to scream it to the world but can't do yet...

In the last few weeks, I had so many firsts I stopped counting, but every one of these firsts was a moment that is now captured in my memory forever, suspended in time, detached from every day life and secured in the depth of who I am...

In the last few weeks, I've known what it means to belong, to love, to care, to share; what it mean to build a life, to live the dream (if only the beginning of one) and to fly high with the wind beneath my wings...

I’m writing this in such a public place, but at the same time, I’m fooling myself if I pretended not to be addressing it to one person in particular... I’m whispering to you but doing it so loudly across the infinite virtual space between us. Why am I doing that? I don't know but I know that I need to and you know me better than to ask for a reason...

I don't know much, but I know one simple thing, I know that I have the most precious gift a person can have, I know I have a heart beating for me and for me alone and I can never ask for more...

Thank you, for being a friend, a companion and a partner
Thank you for sharing the dream, the road and the trip with me
Thank you for being you, and for not wanting to change anything in me

Thank you...

*Of course from “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

How do you know?

How do you know that you love someone? It’s not only by the good times that you share together but by the bad ones too.

You know when you pass through that time of emotional paralysis were you can’t feel and don’t want to feel anything, when it’s so easy to just open the door and walk away and he understands that, he just stays away, give you your distance but at the same time stay close enough to catch you if you fall, he’ll surround your emptiness and patiently wait till the emptiness is filled again with all that you share.

You know when you cry for no reason but he knows that you need to cry, and he won’t tell you to stop, he won’t tell you that you’re being silly and that tears don’t solve anything; he will just hold you close and allow your tears to run freely on his embrace.

You know, when you realise that your tears, no matter how silly the reason is, are never wasted, are never shed in vain because they just water the love he holds inside for you, he just builds a world that is just for the both of you where nothing is hard, no pain is too great because he just there making the pain go away…

How do you know? When you realise that you don’t have to make sense all the time, because he’ll always know what you mean, when you know that you’re never alone, never again because you have him in your life all the time.

That’s how you know…

Love is all arround

Well, Valentine day was last week, the streets were filled with people rushing around with red roses, red balloons and presents wrapped in red paper. In a place that is usually very serious, it was funny to see all these highflier City executives with a seriously concerned look on their faces worrying about choosing the right present for the day!

This made me remember a blog that I have drafted ages ago but never gotten around to publishing till now; with love all around, at least for one day, do we still believe in it? Does the notion of romantic love remain a reality or is it just a caption of our imagination with no real existence in the everyday life?

If you ask someone who has just started a relationship, who is still in the pink period, then the answer will always be yes, Romeo and Juliet’s kind of love is alive and well! Ask someone who just ended a relationship and you will get the line that love is just a myth, a way to dress up a primal desire with a more civilized way.

As for me, helpless romantic by nature, tell me that love is a myth, I will tell you, you’ve never been in love before, tell me that love is worshiping the grounds that someone else tread on, I will tell you, you haven’t been in love before! Love is not walking hand in hands in the moonlight, or melting with a single touch from that wonderful other… no my friend, love is simply waking up in the morning and thinking how lucky you are to have that special one, the one that is special just for you, the one that everybody else will think that you’re a bit crazy to be with…

Love is not liking his good qualities; no, love is accepting the horrible ones and knowing that no matter how hard you try you will never change them until one day you realise, it is these small annoyances that make them special in your eyes!

Love is not melting into someone; it’s walking with them by your side, getting so used to them you even forget that they’re there but you tread the road with that bit more of confidant!

Love is accepting the hurt with the happiness, knowing that your days won’t all be filled with smiles and roses and that sometimes you will feel the pain crunching you to the bone.

So many people I know refuse to allow love into their life because of the hurt it will bring them. Preferring a “free” and painless life to a “messy” and draining one, they will always tell you about this person who had their hearts broken by falling in and out of love!

The question is love worth it isn’t easy to answer; some people can live their lives easily ignoring love and disregarding even the notion of it. Can one judge such life to be better or worse than that of us eternal lovers? I thought that the answer was always yes, they don’t know what they’re missing but now I realise that this is not true, the answer is much simpler than that, they haven’t chosen to ignore love, because no one can, they just haven’t fallen in love yet!

It is amazing to meet someone who have lived his or her whole life away from this basic emotion but when you realise that falling really in love is not an every day occurrence, it is not every time we feel some twitch in our hearts towards someone, it’s not every crush or each brief encounter; falling in love is something that happens to you only once in your life, if you’re lucky enough to meet that special someone!

People don’t choose not to fall in love, they just chose not to follow the mirage every time and it is only the real thing standing in their way that will open their eyes to a whole new reality.

Knowing the difference, I stopped trying to convince people that you can’t live your life high and dry without love. Now I realise that when the moment come, and I pray it comes to all of you who read this, they will follow that new reality no matter where it takes them. Love will sneak up on them without any warning and without any of the usual commotion. One day they will wake up and realise that they’re so lucky to have that someone in their life and know with such confidence that they want them to walk the rest of the road by their side, that the way will be that much easier, that the happy moments will be that much happier and the sad ones that much easier because they’re not alone. They will wake up every day to the hope of a softer, sweeter tomorrow and with that special one they will always follow that tomorrow.

Happy Valentine…