Syrian in London

The curse of the expat

2011-12-24T14:27:00.000Z

Over the past few days I've come across some of the most beautiful and joyful scenes one can see in a life time. An ancient city dressed up for christmas with lights and street fair, the laughter of children on the rides and the scent of spiced coffee and Christmas sweets. Walking through the Christmas market in Edinburgh I kept thinking that Bab tomah or Kasa'a' in Damascus should be as festive at this time.

The following day I was going through the glens of the Highlands with its snow topped peaks and small streams crossing through the stone all the way to the different lochs and two thoughts came across my mind, this could be Kassab with its majestic mountains and lemon trees; and can all the springs in Scotland wash the blood of the face of my beloved Syria?

Over the past ten months I, like so many Syrians living outside Syria, have, been living in turmoil and peace at the same time. You wake up, go to work, meet friends and live life as normal but at the same time you're wasting away with every drop of blood wasted, you sanity is slowly disappearing with every news round and you're losing friends and family quicker than you can keep up with.

We're cursed if we support and cursed if we oppose, we're damned if we're in the middle or if we try to keep room for logic or reasoning.

We're double cursed because we have to live on when our family and friend back home struggle to hold on. How can I keep warm when my flesh and blood slowly waste away? How can i see beauty when so much ugliness surrounds me?

I've been living outside Syria for so many years, I've never felt I'm exiled as much as I do today. The past ten months have created two types of Syrians, those living in Syria and those living abroad, deny it as much as you want but you cannot say that you're as part of Syria as the people who are living these days there. This was not a price I bargained when I chose to temporarily live abroad, I think that most Syrian expats haven't bargained on this price either.

2011 has cost us all so much, blood, lives, friends and our sense of belonging, as it's coming to its end, the heart trembles when thinking what more can be lost.

A friend told me yesterday while walking the streets of the old city surrounded by joy and morning our dead, this is just the beginning, the stupidity accumulated through the past months and the push for "creative chaos" and "you need to destroy in order to build" is starting to show its results. The question on my mind, how much more will it take for some to realise the price they're asking others to pay? Will 2012 carry the salvation or distraction of all that is beautiful in Syria?

Forgive me all, I can't wish you a merry Christmas nor happily wait for the new year, I can only wish that we end 2012 still having a Syria we can call home and with healing wounds not fresh ones.

Please Stop

2011-07-24T21:34:00.002Z

Lazy morning sun, a slow breath and Fairuz’s voice it drifting in the air. A normal summer morning in Syria? No, this is a small Syrian house in the English country side trying to get home.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot be home these days. I travel there, I talk to the people there and I search every day for a trace of news about my homeland that is not talking about killing and destruction but every day I fail miserably and disappointment and sadness just grow more and more in me.

Where are you my homeland, you’ve been drowned at the hands of your children who forgot that they are ripping a country apart and not leaving anything to their children and their children’s children.

Usually, when I think of Syria at summer time, I think of unforgettable summer laughs, family gatherings, and the freedom of summer break with fairuz’s voice starting the day and Um Kulthom’s flowing through to the early hours of the day. A light, simple life that people returned to no matter what the day carried. Trouble melted away at the warmth of a gentle smile on my mother’s face.

Today, that smile, like the gentleness of the night and the warmth of life has gone, covered by screams of hate and a drive for self-destruction sweeping across my Syria.

I’ve tried to be open minded for both sides but how can anyone remain open-minded when all around him/her have decided to shut their ears, heart and minds to all but their own voice? Everyone is shouting louder and louder to get heard and now we can only hear noise and nothing else. There are no thoughts that can be carried across all the chaos and one wonders if this noise will ever stop or will it continue to work itself into a frenzy that consumes it with all those around it, country and people?

These days, I feel like screaming loud enough to make everyone else just shut up and stop arguing for a moment, listen to the silence and to their own thoughts before they talk to others. Unfortunately, my scream isn’t loud enough and everyone else stopped caring about the screams!

Today, I’m just filled with sadness that cannot be shacked away. Listening to Fairuz is a sweet torture reminding me of a sweater, simpler and happier times.

Today, innocence is lost and the cut runs so deep in every Syrian heart and one wonders how will it heal, if ever.

Ramadan is a week away, a time for getting together and visiting family and friends. Already the people that hijacked Friday want to hijack the whole month and irrelevant of the righteousness of the cause they’re fighting for in the eyes of some or the lack of it in the eyes of others, they need to stop.

It is more important to have this time to heal; we’re hurting so much we need to heal before we tear ourselves and each other apart. It is now more than just a possibility that we may end up doing just that, breaking the notion of Syria into a million piece with no way of putting the pieces together again.

I am the silent masses; I am the Syrian which they call coward or complicit for not taking sides; I’m the one that both sides try to win and both sides have been losing; I am the one being torn apart between the two screaming sides and they need to stop.

Please, just stop, give people a chance to breathe again

Please stop in the name of all that you consider holy, the month, the cause the country.

From all of us, please stop!

Syria, Moving forward

2011-06-23T22:54:00.003Z

In any nation’s life there are times that define what that nation is and what it’s going to be; the past three months have been such a time for Syria and today was its defining moment.

Like most people, I have kept my opinion of what’s been going on in Syria between me and the circle of family and friends around me. However, today I have to practice what I preach, today silence is not a virtue.

So here are my 2 pence worth of talk, please read to the end then swear, shout, or block me from your friend list. But please read to the end before you do so and try to read with an open mind and remember that if we disagree over everything, we all agree on one thing, we all love Syria.

Over the past three months, 3 different Syria(s) emerged, the Syria which you see in Al Jazeera, the Syria you see on Addunia TV and the real country that I visited earlier this month and spent most of my short time listening to people and what they had to say, the everyday occurrences and what they’ve been through in the past few months.

So which of the 3 Syria(s) is the real one? Who is demanding what and who is shooting at whom? Unfortunately, truth has been one of the early casualties of these events, followed by reason and the ability to talk across differences and because of that the future Syria was a Syria that does not exist in any form.

It will take years after the dust settles for the whole truth to be known, it may take longer but what we (you, I and every Syrian) should think of is that we are here now so what’s next?

The ”what next” is the reason for me writing this note, the what next is not what you and I want today but what kind of Syria do we want to leave for our children and their children.

Here are the facts:

- There are people who started demonstrating in Syria wanting reforms

- There are people who pushed the level of requests to wanting a change of regime

- There have been attempts to restrain these people, heavy handed at times alongside political promises of reforms.

- There are various movements abroad which seem to use the populous movement in Syria to further their causes (Old and new)

- There has been an unprecedented abuse of media outlets to propagate one view or another in any means possible.

- The Syrian economy is under immense pressure and whatever the outcome of the recent events, it will take several years to reverse the damage done to it.

So what options are available? Here is the part where you need to keep an open mind and not think with emotions:

- A regime change: this will happen in 2 cases only, foreign intervention Libya style which a scenario is rejected by All Syrians I’ve talked to from both side of the fence. Or, and this is the option that most are betting on, the army to change sides or to split. The latter option means a prolonged civil war of which the possibility of Syria exiting from as a Syria that we can recognise is almost non-existent.

- The protest continue on, the is no real momentum that would allow for a push to end the stalemate in one direction or the other (the regime wont chose the Ghaddafi choice and the opposition is not strong enough to force a change). The real loser of this scenario is the economy and the Syria people. The strain on the economy from the last 3 months is already leaving a deep mark on development, investment (foreign and local) and employment rates to say the least. The 2011 tourist season is already written off and this has wide reaching effect on the wellbeing of a significant number of people.

- The regime and the opposition try to meet in the middle and draft an exit strategy that will save Syria and put it again on the path of growth and development.

You don’t have to think much to know which my option is, I, like a great deal of people who have remained silence since the beginning, will not remain silent when options 1 and 2 are on the table. There is a significant mass of people who started this journey supporting both sides but have gradually gravitated towards a solution that maintains the integrity and unity of their country. That mass will look at the options available and will go for the third. Not because they’re benefiting from the current regime, not because they’re being paid or pushed by it nor because they are too coward to oppose it. Today, courage is to stand up to both side and chose the middle path to follow.

Yesterday the President has laid out a program for reform and a time table to follow it. Today, the ball is firmly in the court of the opposition and now the opposition will have to answer back.

I was amazed to see that the people I know and respect have decided to close their ears and not hear anything of what was said in that speech. The news channels were quick to relay the opposing protests and failed to relay the support demonstrations. The news channels were filled with analysts dismissing the speech and what was put on offer as too little too late. Even before the speech finished, you could find reports disregarding its contents and almost encouraging people to dismiss it without proper thought.

Well this speech is the one that you cannot allow anyone else to interpret for you. You’re the Syrian you cannot be lazy and not do the thinking yourself, not when what you think and believe, or chose to believe, means what Syria will become over the next stage of its life.

Now the opposition is called upon to talk, not using the street, not hiding behind the people protesting but coming out from behind the facebook and the computer screen and put their thoughts and more importantly themselves forward to start this dialogue.

Claiming that the regime doesn’t want to dialogue is not enough when these people haven’t event tried to put their point across. With all the media attention that is being focused on Syria this opposition can, if they wish, stand up without fear to talk with purpose. The people who have been encouraged to go out to the street have been brave enough to reach Syria to a point where a real and open dialogue can start. It is now the turn of the opposition that has been egging them to the street to put itself forward to do its part for this country.

Now, bravery is in listening not in yelling, it’s in moving the dialogue from the street into the discussion table. To accept the other, to accept that there are genuine people on both sides who will both be living in Syria and be part of it when this whole thing is over. Brave is to admit that there were people killed on both sides by both sides and their lives should pay for a better Syria for all not for some.

Today the stage is set for a new day to dawn on Syria, a dawn of true freedom and democracy. A democracy that has to be taught and extended to include country and home capturing the different shades of the Syrian society.

Our fathers and forefathers have gone through turmoil and instability before us. They have built a country that most of us are proud to belong to, far more than what other nationals feel towards their respective countries.

Our fathers hoped that they have seen the worst of times so that we can see the best of times; my hope is that we have learned from their mistakes and we will not push to pay a heavier price to buy a weaker more fractured country.

Today, Syria is as the tipping point when the masses in the middle should be the masse tipping the scale in the direction they want for Syria. These masses should be all of us, the people at home, abroad, on the street and in the barrack.

A friend who lives on one of the ”hot spots” around Damascus told me that her family have decided to go out to the streets last night to declare their support to the reform program put forward yesterday. They are part of the silent masses that are starting to mobilise, the President has given them a strong case, it’s now up for the opposition to put its case forward for the people to decide. A case that can be presented in 1h 15m with the most frequent words used in It being “People” and “Syria”

God bless and protect Syria

God keep my country safe

Syria, The audacity of hope

2011-06-23T22:50:00.004Z

you probably know this as the title of Obama's first book. I bought it when he was elected but didn't get around to reading before the hope that Obama represented disappeared with the wind. This blog is not about the book, this blog is about my homeland.

Over the past three months, Syria has been in the grips of a massive turmoil. The country and its people were at the brink of civil war with the first casualties being truth and the ability to listen.

Over the last three months, Syrians in their majority reflected the famous three monkeys, if they hear then they don't speak, if they speak then they don't see and for those who speak, they were only regurgitating what others have seen and heard for them. Over the last three month, the functionality of mind has been suspended for the benefit of everything else. What happened to you my countrymen and women?

You hear one saying this is black only to hear another saying it's actually white? One man's rally is another man's demonstration and between both, ordinary Syrians had to watch in disbelief the unfolding play.

I know that there won't be a shortage of people who will be outraged by the use of the word when so much bloodshed has taken place. Believe me, every drop of blood shed is a scar in my heart and in the hearts of millions for the fact that it is a play. It is more a puppet show where you can see the puppets but you cannot see the puppet master(s).

No I’m not talking about the existence of a conspiracy or not, I'm talking about the fact the people have surrendered their lead not to their minds but to their irrationality. I was shocked when talking to some people on both sides and getting the same response to the same question, what is your end game? I don't have one! Where do you see this end? Don't know! Why are still pushing? Stubbornness?! You destroying the county! If it’s not destroyed, it can’t be rebuilt!

Now I'm not a political analysts but I'm an ordinary Syrian faced with an extraordinary situation, if the people who started this never thought of how they will end it what hope does any one of us have for Syria? Who has given anyone a mandate to destroy Syria in order to reach any goal, noble or not.

On this Friday, I ask all Syrian to stop, listen and think. Please before we all wake up to find ourselves refugees in our own country!

I am not Egyptian

2011-02-02T23:02:00.001Z

Tahrir Square

It is amazing that on January 24^th 2011, if you ask anyone where Tahrir Square is, you would probably be faced with a blank look and a wondering stare. Today, February 2^nd, Tahrir square is synonymous with Tiananmen square, with all the iconic images that will last a life time. From the young man standing in front of the water cannon to the twitter protestors being attached by camels and on hours back.

Like most people with access to a TV screen, I’ve been glued to the news since #Jan25. What started as a protest organised on a facebook page has turned to an event that will be remembered for decades to come. I’m not Egyptian, but you don’t have to be one to recognise the David and Goliath fight unfolding before you.

The first shock was the internet blackout, if there were any neutral followers of the news, they were totally converted against the current regime. Any government that “flips the switch” in that manner isn’t a government that can be trusted. The move which someone obviously not living in the 21^st century took as a way to kill the movement served only to focus the attention of Everyone to what was unfolding in “Um Eldunia” as the Egyptians call their home land.

Normal people in the street in London were reading with disbelief that their favourite holiday destination has just plummeted into the dark ages with a push of a button! the image was relayed across the globe in a speed suiting the gravity of what has happened.

The momentum kept one, the 5 minutes in the evening news turned to 10 then to special coverage at lightning speed. Suddenly Egypt was on every channel and in every page. Egypt was back in every heart and on every tongue. I am not Egyptian, people around me didn’t realise why should what was happening there matter to me on a personal level? I couldn’t explain that for a Syrian, Egypt is a second homeland; that Egyptians are the closest people to us and no matter how much we might disagree, that affiliation can never go away.

Hours and minutes went by, events changed at such a speed no one expected or predicted, people were moving between highs and lows ever 140 characters. I kept smiling that the English speaking media that came with all possible translations for Tahrir square: Freedom, Liberty, and missing its correct name: Liberation square.

Change was coming, it was obvious like daylight and no one was even entertaining a hint of a thought that things in that great country will return to how they were on January 24^th, suddenly there was something wonderful that the whole world can learn about the Middle East other than terrorism and disgrace. Then today happened.

Now, on February 2^nd, things are more confused than ever, violence has broken out in Liberation square and a standoff there might end that wonderful thing with chaos and tears.

I’m not Egyptian but like all Egyptians I won’t be getting much sleep tonight. Whether you’re with or against #Jan25, no one can look him/herself in the mirror and say they’re with February 2^nd.

God bless Egypt and God bless all Egyptians.

Facebook, wave, buzz and others

2010-05-09T16:15:00.002Z

Every day I wake up to something new in my inbox, invitations from friends and colleagues to joint this on line community or that. I'm pretty used to managing my way around them especially with the help of the every increasing add-ons and plug-ins that help us juggle the different notices and alerts that we receive. However, how much of our life do we now live "online"?

The other day, while trying out Google Wave with a couple of friends talking about our best (and later a 2nd wave for worst) films I realised that me and my husband, who was occupying the other couch at the time, were updating the same wave at the same time, so in a way having a conversation where we were agreeing and disagreeing about which film is better via our key board. Now some might say that this is a sad example of our ever decreasing human communication which is giving way to the digital life that we all seem to get more and more into.

For me that is not actually the case, all these new online tools are ways to keep in touch with people who, by virtue of me living in the UK, I cannot have such discussions with on regular basis. When I'm actually in Syria, the time I have available is so treasured and limited that I barely manage to meet the less connected older generation in my family so chatting about films for hours seems a remote possibility.

The other interesting thing about all the communication technology is memory! While you can never remember a conversation word for word no matter how important the conversation is or how good your remember things but when you're "collaborating" online with a group of people discussing movies for example, you're every key stroke is recorded and remembered, reconstructing the whole conversation is as simple as hitting the play button on a DVD player!

Now, two things immediately come to mind: this is a bit too much information for one's comfort and, the fun of never getting the argument "I never said so!!"

What I find amusing is how quickly people forget these two facts, it's a daily recurrence that I see people who totally forget their guards online and act as it they're in the privacy of their front room. Not realising that they're being read by a fair few and that what they say will stay online in some sort of a record no matter how much they try to retract it later. It's such a common thing these days that it stopped making the news, not even the entertainment sections online!

So the bottom line is, great to have an online life but like in a real one, watch for who you allow through the front door and what get said in your "room" online! unlike your real room, there maybe far too many people reading what's being said and wondering who's the @$%%** that says such things!

Happy buzzing all

2009 & I

2010-01-02T17:14:00.003Z

The book of love is long and boring

No one can lift the damn thing

It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing

But I

I love it when you read to me

And you

You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it

In fact that's where music comes from

Some of it is just transcendental

Some of it is just really dumb

But I

I love it when you sing to me

And you

You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know

But I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

And I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

And I

I love it when you give me things

And you

You ought to give me wedding rings

You ought to give me wedding rings

100 days

2009-07-25T20:27:00.006Z

So, like so many before me, I have fallen to the trap of ignoring most things since I've been married! I admit my guilt and apologise to all the friends I've blamed for doing exactly that.

The problem is, how can I happily ignore my new shared existence for the solitary task of writing a blog? I have to be fair and state that my other half, has been nagging me to return to my writings but the temptation of sharing the simplest and most basic things in life with him is far too strong for me to forsake and this has resulted in a worrying back log of daily chores, meetings with friends and bloging about life, universe and everything else I (we)'ve been up to.

So almost a 100 days after my wedding day (which was a nerve raking but enjoyable affair) how is life different?
I still wake up early in the morning, have my coffee and rush to work 5 days a week. I still return home after spending the whole day in endless deliberation with people at the office and dose off in front of the TV by 10. On the face of it, life is very much back to what it was a 101 days ago but appearances could not be more deceiving!
I wake up in the morning to be greeted by a loving joyful smile, I think I must have fallen in love with that smile all over again because of these morning treats, the whole day begins on a high note from such an apparently small thing. It's wonderful to realise that you can make someone so happy just by being there...
My morning coffee is not just a coffee anymore, it's the outcome of many tries and tests to ensure that it's as I like it, now my morning coffee awaits for me and is preceded with a kiss and followed by a farewell hug before I head to work. There hasn't been much of a summer this year in London but my sky has never been so blue when I leave to the office in the morning.

Now, for the first time in a very long time, my work isn't my world. I have finely managed to move away from rotating alone around a thing to navigating on a more defined path with someone. It wasn't, and still not, easy to realise that my choices now impact someone other than me. The responsibility is magnified exponentially but then the reward has grown by far greater measures. I still don't know in which direction the wind will blow but knowing that I wont be pushed alone, some might think this is a bit cowardly, makes the journey much less stressful and much more enjoyable. I am a strong person, but I never realised how heavy the burden was till I had shared it with him. Now the weight is lighter and the carrying is easier.

Finally I have someone I can share all the things I love with, adventure and all. Listening to Barber of Seville under the pouring rain then singing Figaro on the train back home while trying not to wet the seats with our drenched cloth, promenading at the Royal Albert Hall for a whole season, who other than my husband will agree to stand for 3 hours listening to classical music more than once a month? We have been there 3 times already, the BBC Prom season is still at the beginning and I still cannot believe that I'll be attending the Last Night of the Proms in person, with him.

It seems that I can cook! Not to the extent of Abufares or Kano but enough for my husband to put on some weight! In the time honoured tradition of Syrian wives, the aim is get the husband 10% heavier within the first 6 month. Now, not cooking for anyone before and having my diet restricted to takeaways and microwavable dishes for the past 5 years, I didn't have much hopes when hubby came over but either he's still very much in love, or miraculously, I have managed to pick up a couple of hints from mum. She, bless her, now asks me what did I cook when I talk to her on my weekly phonecall home, she's always ready with fast and easy recipes to whisk in 20m or less. The problem is, I'm never one to follow a recipe and I always end up following my own instinct with ingredients and timing. So far I have made Courgette(a.k.a Zurchini) with yogurt and rice, garden peas with tomato sauce and rice which ended up being a cross between the traditional Syrian dish and a meat and vegetable curry and stuffed mushrooms with vegetables and cheese toping. I'm discovering the joys of inventing something totally crazy and having someone cleaning the plate to the last rice grain and then insist on doing the dishes!

It has taken me long to return back to my notebook and blog, not because I don't want to, but because life has been so good over the last 100 days and while we share our sorrows with other without much reluctance, we jealously guard our happiness and keep it a well hidden secret. Maybe because you're always worried that the second you say you're happy something bad will happen, maybe because happiness just keeps you wrapped in its warm embrace that you easily forget about anything beyond it. I have stolen myself away from it this afternoon while he was mowing the lawn; enjoying the gentle breath, stealing side glances at him and writing, I check that he's really there and that I'm not going to be woken up from this dream anytime soon. I still reach out to him to make sure his there during the short summer nights and we still call each other as much as possible during the day.
I started this blog to share with him the things I couldn't say over the phone, it has been my dream and my emotional base for so long that now going back to it while he's by my side feels a bit unusual. I don't know what this blog will be from this day onward? Can it remain as “Snapshot from a Syrian girl's daily life in The City ”? I'm not sure it has ever been but I believe that blogs, like any product of the creative process, grow organically. Maybe in a year's time, this will be a place to share cooking jocks/disasters or best cleaning advices. Maybe it will be full of events and activities in London, or maybe, just maybe, it will remain a snapshot of a Syrian girl's life, a small corner when I can share a dream and the pursuit of happyness.

I'm at one of those moment of pure happiness now, dare I dream when/what the next one will be?

عش و دع الآخرين يعيشون

2009-03-08T12:18:00.002Z

هذه ترجمة لموضوع في مدونة أبو فارس تحمل الأسم ذاته

عش و دع الآخرين يعيشون

ردا على أحدث الاحتجاجات المتعصبة في فضاء التدوين السوري ضد المثلية الجنسية

لم أتخيل قط أن يوما سيأتي أضطر فيه للوقوف و القتال في سبيل حق المثليين الجنسيين في أن يكونوا ما اختاروا كونه. أنا لا أوافق على نظرتهم للحياة، و لا اتفق مع ما يفضلونه، ولا أفهم تماما خيارهم و لكن هذا أقصى ما يمكنني الوصول إليه. و لا يجب أن يعميني رأيي و ميولي الشخصية عن وجودهم و علي أن أخرس و التزم بحرية خيارهم.

كيف يمكننا أن نوقف أنفسنا من أن نقمع كل أشكال عدم الانسجام؟ هل يجب علينا أن نبدأ بتطهير مجتمعنا (كما لو أنه كان نظيفا بالأساس) من المثليين الجنسيين و أن نتابع القائمة بلا هوادة؟ دعونا نوضح هوية الأهداف (الضحايا) اللاحقة لهذه الحملة الأخلاقية.

الملحدون، الزناة، شاربو الكحول ، النساء غير المحجبات، الرجال غير الملتحين، العشاق، مرتادو النوادي الليلية، المتسكعون على الشواطئ، الفتيات المثيرات، الفنانون، الشعراء، الشيوعيون، الكتاب غير الوقورين، الناس ذوي الشكل المختلف... المدونون الأحرار. للأسف فالقائمة طويلة جدا و شاملة للجميع.

أين ينوي هؤلاء البلهاء أن يتوقفوا؟

ما الذي سيفعلونه بمن لا ينسجم معهم؟ دع الأمر لهؤلاء المنافقين دينياً و سيقومون باستبدالنا بمجموعة من المتعصبين مغسولي الدماغ، المتعففين بحماسة، الحمقى بورع، الصليبيين بإيمان، الآليين بتقوى، و الدعاة الإلهيين الذين سيعلمون من تبقى منا كيف يعيشون. ما علينا فعله و ما علينا الامتناع عن قوله. كيف نغض بصرنا و كيف لا نضحك. لماذا نموت و لم علينا أن نعيش حياة زهد وصولا للقبر.

شكراً و لكن لا شكراً. المتشددون و الأصوليون و المنافقون و المتعصبون و التابعون لم يتركوا لي أي خيار سوى الدفاع عن سوريا متعددة الأوجه و حماية حريتي الشخصية بالاختيار.

عش و دع الآخرين يعيشون

في تشرين ثاني 2008 كتبت عن المرتعشين العلمانيين و الحمى الدينية و قد كنت ملاماً إلى حد مالأني نظرت إلى مجتمع المدونين السوري بالأبيض و الأسود، كيف تعجبكم تلك الألوان اليوم؟

down time

2009-03-05T14:21:00.003Z

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full" Henry A Kissinger.

I’ve allowed myself to “borrow” this quote from a friend’s status update, it was too good to pass by without due assessment!

There are so many theories suggesting that we all pass through periods of down time, when things seem to be always, not going wrong, but not going right either. Your appointments are cancelled, your papers are lost, when you’re running a marathon and someone trips you at the last 100m, how easy is it to stand up again and cross the finishing line?

I’ve had a low spell for the past couple of weeks, combine that with pre wedding nerves and sorting out my work before leaving for a long break and you will get a nasty headache and a sinking feeling that I’m running out of time and favours.

Today, I reach a surreal point when my friend who was due to accompany me to my final dress fitting (that is my wedding dress) called in sick! Poor girl was really feeling bad for abandoning me at the last minute. Funny enough I was by far calmer than her, in the back of my mind, I knew to expect anything and everything going a bit wrong from now till the wedding but surprisingly enough I think I have reach a point of self soothing with such things not stressing me out any more.

With the last 100m dash before W day, it’s very easy to lose track of the big picture and get lost and frustrated with the little annoyances that come our way. Maybe it’s nature’s way of checking our resilience and the strength of our resolve to be together for the rest of our life. The bigger picture with us taking our first step together in a road that can take us anywhere and everywhere can be overwhelming. That road will not be easy but even with all the silly hiccups that happened and will happen, every step of this road will be worth all the trouble, the big adventure of life will finally start and what doesn’t break us (and hopefully nothing will) will make “us” stronger.

So whatever is behind this down spell or how long it lasts, seeing the finishing line so close will keep me going, and I know that it will do the same to him till we cross that line together.

T minus 5 weeks and counting….

First Dance

2009-02-09T21:25:00.004Z

So why have I decided to write this blog at 37000 feet above sea level? Well simple, trying to waste my time during a 6 hour flight I started listening to some music on my ipod, so far a normal thing to do in these cases but this time I wasn't listening to just any music, I was listening to my shortlist for my First Dance!

One would think this shouldn't be too much of a chore, that every couple must have an all time favoured that they shared at a special time and that lasted with them through thick and thin. Sounds all so romantic (which is what a first dance should be) however having had an unorthodox relationship with my husband to be, we didn't have just one special moment but a million and while a song might have a special meaning, each new day for us carried so many challenges and so many changes that each had it's own special tune that has its place in my heart and I'm sure in his.

I remember the first song was the one that just spelled the missing and longing, “when I need you”, yes my dear reader, I only had to close my eyes and his loving arms would be keeping me safe and warm as we had to cross miles and miles of empty space in between us.

But the distance and the longing has shaped our relationship in ways that couples living close to each other cannot see, the love that we shared was far more reaching and engulfing. If a first dance can be to an Um Kulthum song, then my choice will be “el 7ub kuluh” all the love I loved in you. Anything before dissolved into a distant memory and life and love were just him.

There were times in the past three and a half years that I was simply overwhelmed by what he means to me, I'll be going about my work and my life and a feeling of pure unstoppable joy will overtake me with the thought that he loves me, he was my “everything” and he was the cool water in the hot summer and the line in the sand guiding me to the way.

Life goes on and what started as a rush of emotion has settled into a calmer wider ocean, vast and welcoming, life was perfect even with all the craziness of the world around us and one had to wonder “what a wonderful world”

Always, forever and a day, “we both know that our love will grow and forever it will be you and me” and I will love you so for always. Not a lot of certainties in life but this is one of the few I know and live by.

Now as this part of our journey comes to an end and a whole new life is stretching before us, I know that this journey will be an amazing one, I know that “you and my can light up the sky if you stay by my side”, “all the stars are coming out tonight, lighting up the star tonight for you” my one and only.

I know that if it was up to me, I would spend not only our wedding but my life, dancing to the rhythms that we shared over time, how can I chose just one and say that's the one when life with you is one song of love and companionship?

For me, at last I found that someone worth sharing life with, “at last, my love has come along, my lonely days are over, and life is like a song”.... at last I found the dream that I could speak to, a dream that I can call my own. You smiled and then the spell was cast and here we are in heaven for you are mine at last..
at last .....
at last ........

let it snow, let is snow, let is snow

2009-02-02T10:54:00.001Z

Yet another day

2009-01-20T20:16:00.008Z

27 December 2008, 11:30am: Israel start the Operation Cast Lead bombing Gaza

3 January 2009, ground invasion began, with mechanised infantry, armour, and artillery units, supported by helicopter gunships

8 January 2009, UN Security Council approves resolution 1860 calling for an immediate ceasefire and raising concerns regarding the humanitarian situation in the Gaza Strip

18 January 2009, Israel announces a unilateral ceasefire with Hamas, this came into effect 2 a.m. local time

during the 23 days operation:

1320 Palestinian killed of which 417 children and 108 women. In total 700 civilians were killed.

5340 injured among which more than 500 are in critical situation.

13 Israelis killed

20,000 homes have been damaged

2,000 homes destroyed

50,800 Gazans were left homeless.

400,000 Gazans were left without running water

Estimated cost of rebuilding Gaza will exceed $1bn

20 January 2009, the Arab Economic Summit in Kuwait ended in a general statement due to differences about Gaza preventing a stronger closing statement.

20 January 2009, Barak Hussain Obama is sworn as the 44^th President of the United States of America. He is the first African American President to lead the US, more than 2 million people have attended the inauguration in Washington DC, estimates that more than 1 billion people have watched the proceedings on screen.

Not since Kennedy, and some say not never, has an American President has had such attention with such high hopes, from around the world resting on his shoulders. In his inauguration speech, President Obama said:

“we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord”

“we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.”

“In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned.”

“we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals”

Dare we grieve the dead?

Dare we hope for the living?

Inside scarred minds

2009-01-08T16:28:00.001Z

Razan shared this as well and I thought it's worth another read

read more | digg story

2008

2008-12-31T10:50:00.002Z

Another year is coming to an end and like every year, we look forward to the year ahead and rethink that year that passed. Going with the latter , 2008 has been a phenomenal year to say the least. Events that we didn’t imagine took place during 2008, things that lifted us up and others that came crashing down on all of us. What is happening now in Gaza is just the last drop in a cup full of sadness we had to drink over the last 12 months.

For me 2008 has been a strange year, I went through unbelievable highs and very dark lows. The year held personal loss that had reaching domino effects on other things in my life and had a fundamental life changing gain that set the stage for a lifetime of change, sharing, partnership and love. Thus is life, gives you in one hand and takes from you in the other.

A year on from my last relevant post and the world had changed shape yet again, I’m not sure if I’m wiser of better on the eve on this new year, the one sure thing is that I’m older, age is the one unstoppable truth of a dying year, everything else is debatable.

A year has passed, a line has been drown and a new tally will start in a few hours…happy counting 2009

thoughts

2008-11-22T13:11:00.004Z

As the rain drops click on the window my heart races to match their speed, driven only by the thought that this is the last winter that I'll be away from you and by the next time the trees shed their leaves, we will be watching the change of the seasons together.
I won't have to put your perfume on the pillow because finally you will be here & my head will forever rest on your shoulder & my breath will forever be scented with your love

Election fever 2008

2008-11-04T21:50:00.003Z

you don't have to look too far to see that the US presidential elections have become the most followed political event world wide, but you might not realised that attention to the results of today's votes cast by 130 million Americans has far surpassed that given to any local election where you can actually vote and chose your own MP, PM or President. At a time when the leading months to election day were dominated by bad news in the financial sector and the real economy world wide, whoever is going to end up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue next year will have a hell of task at hand and the crazy side to it, he will be having a direct impact on you and me wherever we may be.

It was quite amazing today at work when the conversation, dominated by poll figures and opinions, drifted to “remember where you were when....” the list included the 2000 election, 9/11, the 2004 re-election, princess Diana's death and the 2^nd Gulf war. The list was much longer of course, included sports and disaster (natural and man made) but listening to the discussion I started wondering, does every generation feel that they've seen far more and far worse than the generations before or are we build with such short memory that we forget/ignore what happened in the past?

I remember when the results of the 2004 elections were finally announced, people here (in London of course) were hoping against hope that the results would be different, I was at work following the BBC's interactive map showing every state and changing the colours according to results. There were some high points but then the long wait ended with a muted shock that we had to live with another 4 years of Bush administration going astray with war, human rights and the economy.

Now, 4 years down the line, no one here is daring to hope, not that a democratic president will be better than a republican one by default but the need for change is so overwhelming and so essential to all of us this time that we don't want to risk on someone from the same side of the political spectrum as the disaster we've had to live with for 8 years.

Do you know what's funny? I was in Syria at the time of the 2000 elections, no one liked Al Gore, vague memories of Bush Sr being the president behind the start of the peace process in the Middle East resulted in people cheering Bush Jr.'s win!! retrospective evaluation of events would indicate that this was a very bad cheer.

Now, we're so eager to see the “right” president in the White House we're trying not to jinx the results by predicting a clean win for Barack Obama; news agencies keep on reminding us of the undecided votes, of deceiving polls and of the true extent of the appetite for change in the US as many people might say they will vote for a black president but would decide at the last second that while they would like a change, Obama is too much of a change for their taste.

Tonight, the cover of all the evening papers shared one topic, the election in the US were covered in such depth, it pushed the faltering economy and other headline stories to the 2^nd pages. You had an election night TV guide advising you of the channels covering the unfolding results (BBC1 and ITV, SKY News and CNN if you're interested) throughout the night till the close of the last polling station at 6am London time. It even included a suggest list of food and snacks suitable for the occasion! Apparently pubs will be full of people who will follow the events of the night with the same excitement as any major sport event, this has been compared to the Cup Final in football.

Now I wonder what we will wake up to tomorrow morning, no matter how the wind blows it will be a slightly different world tomorrow even if it was different for just a few month into the new presidency. Tomorrow we will wake up and either become filled with unreasonable illogical joy resulting from an unsupported hope or be filled with a sensation of doom and gloom that we're heading for even darker times from the ones we live in today.

So will 130m Americans vote in a way that will pull us from the edge or push us further towards it? Well the addicts will stay awake to follow the results hour by hour, the rest of us will wake up tomorrow to hopefully a clear result so we will remember that we where in bed when we opened our eyes to a news update on our mobile or PDA broadcasting the results of the 2008 elections.

Happy elections every one,

All Tescos big and small

2008-09-27T21:53:00.005Z

I’ve been away from this blog for some time now, so many things have happened, some good some not so good but as with everything else, life goes on.

Although there are so many things that I have in mind for possible blogs, I owe it so a number of people to return to my blog with this one. In summery this is a very big and long nag towards the largest supermarket chain in the UK made famous by it's motto “every little help”!!!

So to make a very long story a bit shorter, I will go on with telling my tale and try to keep my comments short.

Once upon a time, on a wet windy Saturday afternoon in the not so fair city of Coventry I walked into a Tesco Extra to get a last minute present for my brother's birthday which I completely forgot. Tesco's big sign and glass exterior were calling out to the masses searching for something and anything. At time when all were starting to feel the pinch of the credit crunch, Tesco's promise of lower prices was a big factor, alongside the convenience of a multi-branched entity and good customer service.

All that made me take the spare of the moment decision to buy a replacement cordless phone from that store. I was there, it was staring at me from the shelf and all I needed was to pick it up, swipe it on the self-service machines followed by my bank card, £99.99 poorer and I had a nice, sleek Philips cordless phone that promises superb quality for my long phone calls to my other half.

Sunday afternoon, I returned home after my weekend away cradling my new phone, I sat down and started to unpack the box, one handset, another handset, one stand, another stand and that was it! No cables, no phone connections no nothing. I knew that the technology has progressed so much but not the point of not needing cables to connect a phone to the wall! Bummer I have to find another Tesco to return my missing set and get a new one, I'm sure that they will be more than willing and more than apologetic for the error that happened and will send me on my way in 10 minutes.

Monday afternoon, guessing that this is a bigger task to handle for the small Tesco Metro near my work, I took a cab to the larger Tesco (large but not an Extra) near my house. Having the driver waiting for me outside I quickly went into the store, did a super speed shopping and then headed to the customer service desk where the following conversation took place:

Me (Customer): hello there, good evening. I was wondering if you can help me with returning an item.

Customer Service Staff member: sure madame, happy to be of service, do you have your receipt?

Me: yes, here it is, and here is the item.

Customer Service Staff member: Can I ask why you want to return it.

Me: Well I got from one of your stores and when I got home I found out that there were bits missing!!

Customer Service Staff member: oh that's not very good, let me check if we hold this item in stock and if we do I may be able to exchange it for you

Me: well If you don't I would prefer just to return it if that's OK

Customer Service Staff member: yes sure, no problem

Few minutes of checking around and scanning barcodes and checking her monitor, the staff member gave me a very grave look....

Customer Service Staff member: Sorry madame, we don't seem to sell this item in this store and I wont be able to be of assistance to you here

Me: ???? what does that mean

Customer Service Staff member: well, if we don't sell an item we can't accept a return of that item if it's not complete.

Me: ???????? what does that mean, I'm returning it because it's incomplete!

Customer Service Staff member: Well madame, we can take it here, you have to go to another Tesco Extra that stocks the phone. There is one in ***** or in ******

note (both places named were a healthy 20-30miles away from where I live)

Me: I can't understand, I bought this from a Tesco store, sure I should be able to return it to any Tesco store?!!

Customer Service Staff member: madame, if we don't have it you can't return it here!!

Me: but surely this is in violation of your return policy!

Customer Service Staff member: Sorry madame I can't do anything else

.....

15 minutes later and 2 other staff members I decided to go for the top and asked to see the store manager...

Me: blah blah blah blah, same story for the 500^th time!

Assumed Store Manager: Well madam I just spoke to my manager (your manager! I thought I was speaking to the store manager already!) and I can help you with this (yes at last something), this is the number for the electrical help line (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) if you call them they will be able to send you out the missing parts.

Me: WHAT

Not Store Manager: well madam if we take if from you and we don't stock it then the cost of the phone will be deducted from the store revenue

Me: you mean to tell me that Tesco's profit will be damaged by a returned item that you will be able to return to the manufacturer!

Not Store Manager: Sorry madam. Nothing can be done other than that.

At that time, I realized that I was just wasting my time and I was not about to argue profitability, proper customer service and consumer rights with someone clearly unable to see the big picture.

45 minutes later and £23 less for the taxi who felt sorry for me and didn't charge me the full fare I was home trying to stay calm.

----------------------

Ring ring, Electrical Helpline (10p/m) and after some delay I managed to get through to an operator.

Me: Blah blah blah, the whole story again

Electrical helpline operator: but madam, that is not true, they should be able to take the phone of you and give you a full refund.

Me: well they said otherwise and now I'm £122 short and still no phone and I'm paying 10p/m just to tell you the story all over again.

Electrical helpline operator: Well madam, I used to work in a store and I know that they can. What you need to do is to call customer services tomorrow and they should be able to sort things out and offer you a suitable compensation.

Me: Well let see, you know that this will make an interesting topic for my next blog

Electrical helpline operator: oh madam, of course you're entitled to do so but can I ask you to reconsider your decision to do so, there maybe some not-so-good staff within Tesco but we are all very hard working and strive to serve our customers. Please here is my direct number and name and please tell me what happens with you.

My faith in the largest supermarket chain in the UK was regained a bit and I looked forward for the following day events.

----------------------

Customer service helpline (free phone): hello madam how can I help?

Me: blah blah blah (tell the whole story yet again added to it what happened at the other store and what the Electrical helpline told me)

Customer service helpline: well madam, no you wont be able to return it to that store (f****, $%&*, beep, beep, beep)

Then she proceeded to provide me a list of possible other stores were I can return the God forsaken phone all of which were miles away from where I live or work.

At that time I completely lost it, blasting over the phone demanding a solution, the customer service lady excused herself and advised me that she will check with her manager (beep, beep, beep) and call me back.

15 minutes later:

Customer service helpline: Madam I managed to sort something out

Me: about bloody time

Customer service helpline: well if you can return to the store near your house (the one I went to the day before) then they will take the phone from you and refund you fully.

Me: and what about the cost of the taxi last night and what I will have to pay today because of your incompetence?

Customer service helpline: Sorry madam, I can't help you with that, the local store can choose to offer you suitable compensation if they chose to. Tesco don't have a compensation policy (??????!!!!!!!)

To keep a very long story not that long, I went that evening and returned the phone, the lady at the story of course refused to offer any kind of compensation and was as cold as an ice cube. I was down another £10 for the cab but by then I would have gladly thrown that phone through a Tesco store window.

I returned home grateful that I managed to get my £99.99 back although it cost me £33 to do so. On my way back I went into the electrical appliances store near me (God bless Comet) and enjoyed some decent customer service with a specialist helping me to chose a phone and explaining their return policy in full.

Why have I filled 3 pages of ranting regarding this matter? Well it's simple, at a time when all are concerned about their finances. When the pennies matter as much as the pounds and consumers are more wary of how they spend their hard earned cash, at times like this, a large supermarket chain that would refuse to return defaulted items, not to have a clear return policy and appalling customer service standard and lake of consistency across the board is shameful, disgusting and even worrying. We may have been more forgiving before and hence allowing for Tesco to grow so big with not that good of a service to offer but are we paying for that now when we can't ignore such things?

PS: I was almost finished writing this blog when I came across something relevant:

Two friends shared their experiences with Tesco, one made an online grocery order for a dinner party he was holding 2 days later. After booking an evening delivery slot between 9 and 11pm and paying for it, 11pm came and went and there was no sign on the delivery. Phoning the help desk, he was advised that the driver was running late (they couldn't be bothered to call) 11:30 and 12 came and went and the delivery didn't show up and by that time the not-so-helpful help desk was closed. Phoning the store the following day, they coldly ignored his complaint and simply advised him that they will arrange for another delivery. When he tried to cancel the order he was advised that he can’t! So now he has to keep his fingers crossed that his delivery will arrive in time for him to feed his guests.

The 2^nd issue related to Tesco's confirmation that if there are more than 3 people at the till they will open up 3 tills! My friend was standing in a queue of 6 with only 2 tills open, when he asked why wont they open another till he was given the all knowing look and told him “that's just a TV AD”!

Well “Every little help” is Tesco's Motto. Wonder what kind of help they're talking about?

PS 2: a friend of mine have pointed me to this site: www.tescosucks.co.uk

have a nice read

Young @ heart

2008-07-28T19:21:00.002Z

I know, I know, before you jump down my throat for using this line in describing myself, since I'm only 29, let me remind you the young & old is a relative description of a person's status & as such cannot be restricted to one age group!

This line barged in on my thoughts returning from work today while thinking (& excuse my mental jump here but I did use the word barge) about the merits of living in hilly green Kent! On a day when London is basking under C30 temperature & 90% humidity I only had to step outside the train onto the platform to feel the difference, the cool fresh breeze was a wonderful change from the artificial coolness of recycled air in the office & the mugginess of the air on the streets.

So I was in the middle of mentally congratulating myself on my choice of location when this intruder line jumped in without any obvious logical connection to see.

So me being me I took my blackberry & started punching in the line & retracing the mysterious thinking patterns that led me to it. If you're wondering, this is how I write the majority of my blogs & that should answer to why my sentences and thoughts are all over the place sometimes.

So back to young @ Heart! I will ask for your patience here for this will take some extra lines to go through. I remember my family’s reaction when I first told them that I'm planning on buying a house outside London! To my parents who spent their entire time in this country centralised in Fulham road, living on the edge of zone 6 (about 27miles away from central London for those who don’t know the “Zone” lingo) resulted in a reaction similar to telling them I’m buying the house in Scotland! They were very polite about it knowing that I’m the one who will be living in the place after all but they didn’t hide their “concerns” about the distance and the daily commute that I will have to follow.

My siblings were more open about it, “why the hell do you want to live outside the tube network”, “1 hour commute every day by train!!!” and the star reply “you’ll be a total foreigner there sticking out like a sore thumb”! well that day has passed and I’ve been living in my house for more than 3 years now, my parents love staying over with me whenever they come, they swear by the easiness of moving out and about and I’m a usual stop point for those on their way to cross the English channel.

Me buying my house was the first “adult” decision I’ve made! You might think that coming over here to begin with was a big enough call but actually it wasn’t, it was a mix of luck and impulses that led me to England and it was a similar set of reasons that led me to my current job which resulted in my settling here rather than returning to Syria after my degree.

That first decisive conscious choice that I made was followed by other, equally important and fundamental ones which resulted in me being where I am today. But here is the trick, I’m a free independent woman, living on her own and shouldering a job and a mortgage but it hasn’t been that long, relatively speaking, when I was the youngest of lot, spoiled in every imaginable way and without a care in the world! that is my “young at heart” soul that had to make a disappearance in a very short period of time for a verity of reasons. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you see it, it hasn’t disappeared without a trace, it still peaks it’s head every now and then when I shock people (especially those who only know the new me) with something completely out of character.

At the same time, for those who lived with me before, they remember a cheerful young girl without a worry in the world and they expect to see that girl every time they see me! It is a bit difficult at time when people expect you to even talk in a cheerful way every time you’re on the phone, and if you don’t then something is wrong and they have to fix it! It is a hard call to make, do you let them in on the new grown up version of you and let them see the worries and the concerns and all the life calculations that grown ups do or do you keep the young at heart version alive and well in their eyes so that not to cause them any undue concerns?

This has never been easy, a lot of the times, I wish I can go back to my young version, let someone else worry about the big things, the life decisions and the tough choices. Sometimes, the burden of responsibility can be overwhelming and people tend to forget that because one is always putting on a mask of easiness over everything but what is the alternative? Can I go back to being me 5 years ago? No is a very simple and effortless reply, I have so many priceless things because of the past 5 years none of which I’ll be willing to let go of.

Do I forget about my young self that is lurking in the deep, longing to be set free from all these adult demands? Not too sure.

It maybe the biggest call of my adult me, a call that a lot of people had to make at one point in their life. To chose between a life full of pull and push between old and young and a life which is rapidly progressing forward without any emotional maturity ties to its youth.

I’m not sure, but I think that while the former is much more of a rollercoaster ride, the latter is too smooth for my taste, not being able to be childish when I want to is way too boring and way too “grown up” for me!

So the answer at 29 is for now, I will always be young at heart, I will carry the freedom of my 24 self to prevent me from tying myself too much with life’s road and decisions. Young at heart is a safety from being too rigid and too old to see the freshness of a new day and feel the coolness of an easy summer breeze on a tired face waiting at some platform in green, hilly Kent.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

Chiquitita

2008-07-25T23:03:00.002Z

Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong
you’re enchained by
your own sorrow
in your eyes
there is no hope for tomorrow
how I hate to see you like this
there is no way you can deny it
I can see that you’re
oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I’m a shoulder you can cry on
your best friend
I’m the one you must rely on
you were always sure of yourself
now I see you’ve broken a feather
I hope we can
patch it up together

Chiquitita
you and I know
how the heartaches
come and they go
and the scars they’re leavin’
you’ll be dancin’ once again
and the pain will end
you will have no time for grievin’
Chiquitita
you and I cry
but the sun is still in the sky
and shining above you
let me hear you sing once more
like you did before
sing a new song
Chiquitita
try once more
like you did before
sing a new song
Chiquitita

So the walls came tumblin’ down
and your love’s a blown out candle
all is gone and it seems
too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
there is no way you can deny it
I see that you’re
oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita
you and I know
how the heartaches
come and they go
and the scars they’re leavin’
you’ll be dancin’ once again
and the pain will end
you will have no time for grievin’
Chiquitita
you and I cry
but the sun is still in the sky
and shining above you
let me hear you sing once more
like you did before
sing a new song
Chiquitita
try once more
like you did before
sing a new song
Chiquitita

A love less ordinary

2008-07-11T21:41:00.004Z

I close my eyes and reach out, I can feel the warmth of his skin against mine and for a second the emptiness disappear folding the distance between us and I feel his face against the palm of my hand. He’s a breath away, I keep my eyes closed and I’m free falling through the gentleness of his smile and the joy I see reflected between the two of us stretches a lifetime of dreams and promises.

Whenever I think of love I think of a love less ordinary, as if there is something such as an ordinary love! I look back and see a passion that defied the distance, a connection that broke the lines of logic and normality and a simple belief in something extraordinary.

For long I wondered how this happened? I questioned with the scared heart of a child why was I blessed with such gift? When all around me are giving up in love, was I to be the one to carry on the faith that pure, unconditional, dizzyingly vast and all consuming love is out there to be won?

Years have passed, what started as a unique friendship has changed overnight to an avalanche of emotion that buried everything with a blanket of sweetness. Years on, and that sweetness remains, magically fragranced, intoxicating the soul with so much happiness.

Years on and I’m a changed person, but how can I not change when I know that after so long, I will never be alone again? A person can live his or her life alone, friends, family and colleagues are shadows that pass along the way but there is a personal space around that is never breach or violated. I walked through life with that space untouched, and with every broken heart, with every sad farewell the wall is tougher to break and harder to breach, I walked that lonely road till he walked to me and that wall vanished to thin air… He showed me what love is, held my hand and promised me with a believer’s faith, a child’s joy and a warrior’s strength that I will never have to walk alone ever again. He didn’t have to promise with words for the look in his eyes made a thousand and one promises for all to see and for me to cherish.

Now I know that I will never be alone again, oblivious to the distance separating us, I just close my eyes and lose myself in that promise. I know that while miles and miles of empty spaces between us he’s only a heartbeat way.

He is my faith and our love is my constitution, I can take anything that life throws at me for I shall never be alone.

For now I have known love and for that I will never be just a thought passing in time.

Now I’m truly loved and for that, I will forever leave a trace of something more than just a life lived.

You whisper your love for me to wake up to

and my heart blossoms a rose under your fingertips

Caramel

2008-05-25T18:59:00.004Z

One of my old friends from Syria has recently moved to London. She stayed over at my place for a couple weeks before finding a flat and moving out. So far she has given me 2 wonderful gifts for my hospitality, both were visual feasts and I would have missed both if it wasn’t for her invite.

My friend unknowingly dragged me (and I have to admit that I was a bit cautious the first time so dragging is the word) to 2 non English speaking films! The first was in Persian* “The Kite Runner” and the 2^nd was Arabic, “Caramel/سكر بنات”.

I have to admit that if I was on my own, I wouldn’t have chosen to watch either of the two, for me going to the cinema is a time to disconnect from the real world and lose myself for a couple of hours. I like the collective psyche that you get from watching a film at a movie theatre, the audience laughing, gasping and cheering together. Taking that into consideration, watching a film that appeals to a niche market wasn’t much my thing but my friend has asked me to accompany her, and I’m too polite to say no!

What I got as a result of my politeness was breathtaking! I will write at another time about “The Kite Runner” it deserves another take before I can comment on the film, suffice to say that it was close to being a spiritual experience not just a movie.

The 2^nd film that my friend suggested, and I was a more willing companion this time, was “Caramel” or “سكر بنات”. A fellow blogger has already mentioned it here, and I’m happy that the film is getting some headlines as it is surely one to watch.

The story is very simple, it’s simple as life seem to be in a quiet Beirut street in a middle class area, everything goes by in its normal slow pass that is a trade mark of such neighbourhoods. A seemingly simple life at a seemingly simple time and the lives of four girls working at a beauty saloon with a satellite of characters surrounding them.

This simplicity is quickly dismissed once you’ve scratched the surface of the story! Tales of the forbidden and the unobtainable are tangled with the society’s views and taboos surrounding the female entity in our sunny orient.

Caramel, is a symbol of the simple act that all women are joint with, it’s sticky sweetness is that of a society’s view of what should be and not what is there. In it’s simple basis, it hides the painful differences that a woman have to suppress in order to fit into a structure that catalogues her in a rigid structure of looks, status, purity and sexual orientation; departing from that structure is not permitted and that same society has created the means to maintain this structure even by falsifying and masking the truth.

The simple/complexity of the story is mirrored in the langue used in the film, while the words are simple, common with no unnecessary pretence, the acting and the music complete the structure of the scene. One of the most breathtaking dialogues was with Rose sitting in front of her mirror preparing for the hope that arrived 30 years late only to be held back from her later day's dream by the ranting of Lili. You didn’t need words to read the conflict between duty and the simple hope for happiness. The words were redundant in that scene, the music was heart breaking and the acting was unbelievable.

The film touched on a number of challenging topics, some relevant only to our eastern society (purity, sexual orientation) and some relating to all women in all places and times, how the illusion of love can degrade someone, holding on to lost youth and how happiness is found in what we let go of rather than what we pursue.

I don’t know how a non Arabic speaker would rate this film, not being part of the culture, not understanding the usage of language that no mater how accurate the translation is, it can never convey the meaning of some of the words used. I know that for me and my friend, watching this film together at a west end cinema in London, we were transformed home for 90 minutes. In a way, I didn’t want it to end, I wanted to stay in that simple, sun drenched Beirut street and embrace more the different life that passes by there.

The last scene of the film was enchanting, crazy Lili gathering the discarded papers in the street with Rose, trying to find what a lost lover has written to her somewhere, sometime we don’t know about. How many of us walk through life chasing these pieces of papers? Never finding what we’re looking for but never giving up the search…

Caramel by director/actress Nadine Labaki

*Thanks Paolo!

I carry your heart with me

2008-05-25T00:25:00.005Z

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it

Anywhere I go you go, my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

I fear no fate
for you are my fate, my sweet

I want no world
for beautiful you are my world, my true

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and

whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

here is the root of the root and

the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky

of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope

or mind can hide and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart I carry it in my heart

E.E. Cummings

Lists, lists, lists...

2008-03-23T15:07:00.002Z

So, I think I’m officially the worst blogger to be tagged, ever! Syrian Brit tagged me more than 3 weeks ago, that was my first tag and, after this delay, I think it will be my last!

So I was tagged to list 6 things to do before you’re 18! Well my 29^th birthday was a couple of days ago so theoretically I’m not that far from the time I was 18 but it still feel eons ago.

Any way before I start with my usual flow (that is hard to stop) I have to start by listing the 6 rules to this task:
1. Post these rules before presenting your list.
2. List 6 actions or achievements you think every person should accomplish before turning 18.
3. There are no conditions on what can be included on the list.
4. At the end of your blog, choose 6, or less, people to get tagged and list their names.
5. People who are tagged write their own blog entry with their 6 suggestions.
6. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged.

Well, as Lujayn did, I’ll skip the last 3 due to the delay in replying to this blog plus the fact that most people I know on the blog sphere have already been tagged with this task.

So here it is, my contribution to this serial chain of ideas?

1-Read a book!

I know that this sounds extremely daft but I don’t mean to read just any book, before you’re 18, you should have read at least one book that was able to touch your heart and leave an imprint on your soul. Before you’re 18, you should discover the influence a written word can have. After that life just flow by so quickly and you will barely have time to open up to a book that way, and if you don’t, you’ll miss on so much. In today’s word that gives so much weight to the visual and high tech, the book is sliding away from the public landscape and if you don’t build it in your life before you’re 18 it will be very difficult to do so later and you’ll lose out on one of the greatest pleasures in life. When I was 18, the book that left the deepest impact on me was Roots; it still occupies its special place on the bookshelf on my mind.

2-Stay awake for 3 days working on something!

You will have the energy and the passion to drive you to do so and both will be much less available as you get older and “wiser” and things that will give you such a drive become more and more rare.

You stay awake on excitement and enthusiasm alone and by the end when your energy has finally been consumed you look at the fruit of your labour, let it be the last page on a book or the last touch on an essay and you’re filled with an overwhelming sense of achievement. Your achievement maybe only such a climax in your own mind, most people will tell you that you can’t really do something of substance before you’re 18 but then the eagerness of youth and the pride of a young mind cannot be suppressed by anyone and no one can convince you that what you’ve done isn’t a wonderful achievement. You have such high spirit and too much faith in yourself to allow that to happen, something much harder later in life.

3-Be there for someone,

When you’re 18, you’re in a gray area between adolescence and adulthood; it is during then that people are not sure of which side you’re on. During that time, the first time you get beyond the selfishness that marks us as children and teenagers and someone turns to you for help and you’re there for them that what marks your life in the years to come. If you never do that before you’re 18, you’ll find it more and more difficult to do when you’re older and the demands of life and more and more with every passing day. I remember the day that this happened with me as if it was yesterday, and I know that it has shaped me into the person I’m today.

4-Travel

The second your feet land on foreign soil you feel the possibilities open up in front of you. It’s amazing, how the narrow comfortable world you know, the casual and the mundane that one slips into in his or her own day to day surrounding dissolves when this new world stretches in front of you.

Before you’re 18, you have to know that the world is so much bigger and the possibilities on where you can be in this world are endless. Expand your horizon as much as possible before you’re 18 and you start being afraid of how big the outside is. Before you’re 18 the world is an adventure, the more you take in from this adventure the more you can expand into it afterwards.

5-Put a list of 6 things you want to do by the time you're 30!

It’s funny that just before Syrian Brit tagged me to do this blog, I was sketching the outline for a blog about the different lists we all have, that outline was lost when my blackberry crashed and I never returned to it! Nonetheless, one of the lists I thought of was the list we all put together when we’re younger and just coming out to the world.

Every 18 year old should have already put a list of things to achieve before they’re 30. The faith of an 18 year old will allow them to be bold and creative, they’re ambition is still in full force and the knock backs that life hands them are still too weak to cause damage. At 18, one can take on the world and that’s what one should aim for.

When you’re 30, although you haven’t done the things on your list, it did help in pushing you up and forward. Your list is your own, you don’t have to share it, and the advice is not to do so. This is your own Mount Everest that you will challenge yourself to climb it the following 12 years. Why 30? Well, I’m 29 now and my Mount Everest has changed a lot from how it was at 18 but it remains as challenging as it used to be then.

6- Fall in love

I know that this has been mentioned before in different ways and by many people but I don’t think any list can be completed without it. Before you’re 18, your notion of love is that what you read in books and see on screen, a view that is, in 99 cases out of a 100, skewed at best and totally distorted at worst. The distinction between love, sexual drive and friendship is very vague at that time and it’s so easy to think that any one of the latter two is love. Fall in love before you’re 18 and you’ll get your heart broken, you’ll feel the hurt and ache but you’ll become much wiser. Take your first step towards really falling in love; you’ll learn the difference between infatuation and love, between friendship and love and between desire and love. This is a lesson that you have to start learning before your 18 and carry on learning through out the following years. It is only when you have passed your finals that you can truly know the meaning of falling in love.

2008-03-12T00:01:00.000Z

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Shakespeare's Sonnet 116

Years on, you're still the one...

2008-02-15T09:12:00.002Z

When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

Bridge:
They said, I bet they'll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

Bridge:
They said, I bet they'll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

The book thief

2008-01-19T15:14:00.000Z

I have a confession to make, I’m an addict!

I’m seriously addicted to reading. Since I was young, my parents had to live with me reading in bed, under the covers, laying on the couch face down with the book on the floor or turning from one side to the other trying to rest my arms during a marathon reading session when I was hooked to some book. For me books were an unlimited source for knowledge and food for the imagination, I never had a certain book type that I go for, I read everything and anything and in spite of the advances in the technology, I’m a die hard fan of the physical book. It’s like a life long relationship, replacing a book with an e-book is kind of unfaithful in my mind, it’s like replacing a wife with a mistress!

Coming over to this country and being busy with my study, and later my work, my addiction didn’t subsided. In the country of “3 for 2” and “buy 1 get 1 free” the temptation of Boarders, WHSmith and Amazon was too great to resist. Even before I knew that I’ll be settling in this country, my largest position was soon books (a couple of large boxes by the end of my masters year) and now, having a house to myself, I’m starting to struggle with finding enough space for my books!

When I walk to a bookshop, I’m rarely looking for a specific book, I window shop at book stores and enjoy experimenting with the books I buy, some of the best books I read were ones I bought on a spree rather than intently. One of these books was “The Book Thief”

Some books are moving, some hit a soft spot within you, some are blatantly asking for an emotional involvement from the reader and some are too cheesy it’s a bit too much for my taste, The Book Thief is not one of those! It’s in a whole new level of its own.

The story is about a little girl in Nazi Germany who escapes the madness of the world around her into the world of the books she read. The books that she steels for the snow, the fire and the authority. In a country that was demonised, brain washed and massacred by words, the book thief have used words to heal wounds, help people and keep some sanity in a mad time. the book talks about Liesel’s life from 1939 when she was 8 till 1943 when she was almost 13. the story is narrated by Death, he has been so busy during that time, trying to race around and catch up with the extra workload of the time but is, at the same time, fascinated with humans who are capable of such ugliness and such beauty all at once.

Reading the book for me was like falling in love, you start with curiosity than familiarity, during which I was still able to restrain myself to reading just during my morning commute, then, without realising how, you’re so attached you’re left breathless with the beauty of the words and the story behind them. I was hocked so that having to close the book when I get to work was getting increasingly difficult. I tried the discipline of reading one chapter a day but every time I close the book it would plead to me to come back again and again and again.

Throughout the book, the narrator will make mental stops, explaining something, pointing out something or giving a glimpse of things to come. These mental stops were not intrusive, they were set out in the book in a non-disruptive way; it was like driving a wonderful picturesque road and with the grand scenery you’ll come across a beautiful rose bush on the side of the road, it doesn’t distract you from the beauty around but supplements an extra dosage of charm to your trip.
----------------------------------------

"First the Colors, then the humans.

That's usually how I see things.

Or at least how I try"

----------------------------------------

“the girl knew from the onset that he’d always appear mid-scream, and he would not leave.

šA Definition Not Found in The Dictionary›

Not-Leaving: An act of trust and love, often deciphered by children.”

----------------------------------------

"A Small Piece of truth:
I do not carry a sickle or scythe. I only wear a hooded black robe when it’s cold.

And I don’t have those skull-like facial features that you seem to enjoy pinning on me from a distance. You want to know what I truly look like?

I’ll help you out. Find yourself a mirror while I continue.”

-----------------------------------------

“Five hundred souls.

I carried them in my fingers, like suitcases. Or I’d throw them over my shoulder. It was only the children I carried in my arms.”

-----------------------------------------

“she didn’t dare to look up, but she could feel their frightened eyes hanging on to her as she hauled the words in and breathed them out. A voice played the notes inside her. This, it said, if your accordion.

The sound of the turning page carved them in half. Liesel read on.”

-----------------------------------------

The story flows like a summer dream even with the horrors that it carried. You would feel the grip on your heart when you read the recount of death’s visit to Liesel’s friend, you can see, even without closing your eyes, the destruction as the world around her fell to pieces and she remained there among the rubble of a shattered life, you will not hold your tears back as she lets hers flow for the ones she love. By the end of the book, Liesel will be part of you and the loss, the joy, the highs and the words will belong to you as much as they belonged to the words shaker.

The moment I closed the book I felt the urge to turn back to the front page and read it again, this time slower, taste the lines again. I wanted to read it with a mental camera to capture the most beautiful of scenes as if selecting one was something possible. I still have the book by my side, like a love affair, you can never walk away completely and you will revisit what happened again and again.

If you have the time, read this book, if you don’t have the time, try to spare some moments for it, it’s so much worth it.

The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak, first published in Australia in 2005.

Another day, Another year...

2008-01-01T14:22:00.000Z

So, another day and another year has gone by, like most (if not all) people on the planet we square our positions, do our yearly inventory, tally up all the books and pass a judgment on whether the year that passed was a good year or a bad one!

And like most, it’s always somewhere in between, the year had its highs and lows and on average we end the year roughly where we started or, if lucky enough, a bit happier, more satisfied or well off.

So what was 2007 for me? Another step towards the big 30 which seems so much closer nowadays; not sure what the judgment of the first 30 years will be, I leave that to the wiser/older crowd to suggest and to me at 31 to decide!

2007 witnessed a gigantic step in my personal life, a lucky, or unlucky depending on how you see it, man has decided that I’m a suitable partner to spend his life with believe it or not. He has popped the question 2 years ago now but the whole family/formality side of things came into existence at super speed earlier this year. Over our 2 and ½ years relationship, we’ve driven each other mad, up the wall, into success and towards better, brighter places in life. We’ve shared so much and learned so much about each other and more importantly about ourselves. Words like love, passion, friendship, care and happiness were redefined in 2007 and I can only hope that this trend will carry through in 2008 and beyond.

Career wise, I’ve now spent more than a year at my current position after finishing my rotation, I’ve crossed swords with a few, argued with a few and stepped on a lot of toes over this period but no matter how horrible the day goes, I wake up most of the times looking forward to arriving at the office. I enjoy what I do immensely and although when I started this road in 2004 I was heading in a completely different direction, God/fate/destiny had a different idea and I ended up at a much more exciting, and unexpected, place. It can be mad at the office sometimes but it can never be boring!

I can’t believe that I’ve lived in this country since 2003! It feels so long and so short at the same time! The days when I was living and working in Damascus are ancient history in a way but I can fully remember the “me” that was then! It seems a life time away but I can see it so clearly as if locked in a glass box that is the old me. Have I become a wiser, better person since I came to this country? I have no idea to tell you the truth, living in London is now such a part of me it’s hard to imagine living in any other place. I remember telling a fellow Londoner/blogger before that I love the city with all its contradictions and sides. For me Damascus carries my past, family, roots but London is the sky I’m expanding my branches into. I appreciate the freedom it offer and the challenges it carries and I think I still have a few more “London years” in me yet.

What do I have in store for 2008? I was reading Abufares’ blog today about New Year’s Eve over the year, and if not anything else, it simply shows you that a new year can carry you anywhere and while you try to plan a year ahead you never know where the wind will throw you in the year to come. Where will I be on New Year’s Eve 2008? I don’t have a clue, I just hope that I’ll be spending it with the people I love and share the tallying with them then.

I hope 2008 will add to me as much as 2007 has and for it to be a happier one for the people I know that all of you dear readers.

Happy 2008!

Mothers & Daughters

2007-11-26T17:56:00.000Z

I'm not talking about mothers & daughters actually but rather about mothers in law & daughters in law!
There are enough comic references about the relationship between the two to fill volumes & enough drama for 30 Ramadan series but neither comedy nor drama is what I'm writing about, it is a simple fact that a lot over look, they both share the same, deeply routed, love to the same man...

The fact that escapes a lot of people is that this is not a love which can be subject to jealousy, the differences, the reasoning and the motives are so profoundly different between the two that you can never compete, not to mention compare, for that love.

A friend of mine once told me, "How can I not adore, to say the least, the woman that shaped the person I love to the man that he is today?" That was a food for thoughts, how many of us today think of the person that we're with as the product of some seriously hard work by his parents; at least a big portion of him/her to say the least? Temporary blindness of where this person came from is unbelievable common among people stepping into a new relationship! It is more obvious with the women because they are more obsessed (forgive me ladies for the use of the word but I’m including myself here) with claiming credit for their sons’ and husbands’ achievements in life and that is where the Mother in Law and the Daughter in Law come face to face, seeking the position of the great woman behind the great man!

My friend talked about that as well, she simple stated an obvious which we can miss so easily "she has his past, I have his future, she made him the man he is today and I will shape the man he will be tomorrow, we complete each other's work as we complete each other's happiness"

I'm not that confidant, I hope that I can add to the happiness of a beloved one and his family. It is a bit of a challenge, trying to complete a puzzle that you only play a small role in but still, it is so rewarding being received with open arms and open hearts by people who are not tied to you in any way other than the shared love to one man. Because of that I think that my mother in law is a great person! She somehow misses my obvious flaws and my strange moods and always greats me with the brightest of hellos and sweetest of compliments. I haven’t spent a lot of time with her, but I know that we sometimes share a look of happiness, love and pride of the one we love; now that he’s away, I take comfort in talking to her as she does talking to me.

I wonder if all mothers in law are like that, and if so why the comedy and drama? Maybe I’m lucky, or maybe it’s not as interesting without the theatrical additions! What do you think?

Lots of talk about nothing...

2007-11-13T21:20:00.000Z

I try to write as a way to occupy my mind but every time I try I’m just drawn back to the same subject, I’m always drawn back to a centre point in this space called my life, I’m pulled back to him!

Every word I’ve written was for his eyes more than anyone else’s, I know that this may sound ungrateful to all the friends who read this blog but I cannot lie nor do I want to, he untied my hands to start writing again after so many years of staying away from writing and I know that his eyes were always there to read, appreciate, correct and comment with the honesty that has been the corner stone of our relationship..

Now, he’s been away for days so long, and will stay away for weeks that carry in its days the cold icy grip of loneliness and sadness of the soul before the aching of the heart.

I’m writing away my heartache for the million little things that I miss telling him of, of the few big things that I’m used to sharing with him for so long. I write and for the first time my words are carried through a virtual space to a prolonged empty void that stretches before me before his return.

He joked before he left telling me to enjoy my time of freedom away from him, that this will be the last “holiday” that I will have of him before a lifetime of being together but how this holiday feels like a long, never ending night.

It’s cold, brutal and harsh to ask someone to live without a heart for so long, the pain is overpowering and the imbalance is dizzying.

I know that I sound to your, dear friends still reading these words, like a silly teenager whining for no good reason! Trust me, until last week I was, like what everyone around me thought, a strong independent person; alas, my balance was shaken by the lack of a voice over the phone that wished me good morning and good night for the past few years, my solidity has been weakened by the awareness that I can’t just turn to him if I needed to. It’s not living my life through him, it’s gaining strength from the knowledge that he’s there.

The silly child that turned a strong woman in the past 4 years has uncovered the truth of how much one person means to her. Strange, I knew how important he is to me but I never imagined the extent to be that far reaching…

Forgive my outpour dear reader, I needed a place to scream and this void seemed the best of places, an echo will reach him one day and I’ll be pulled back from the cold to the worm life again, till then I rest my head on a cold empty pillow that still holds his scent and wait for a tomorrow that seems a lifetime away…

Come fly with me

2007-10-17T07:56:00.001Z

So after 3 years of avoiding Syrian Air in my numerous trips back home, I finally summoned my courage and booked my holiday on a Syrian Air flight.
I have to be honest; the only reason for flying with them was the price! I’ve already travelled twic to Syria this year (wonder why?!) and consumed my travelling & holiday allowance for 2007 and they really had a very good price, £290 rtn!

So came the day and after a nervous waiting at Heathrow with flights being cancelled left right and centre due to extremely heavy fog covering the airport we were finally allowed on the plan.

Now, I must tell you that the last time I flew SA, I ended up in a seat with a broken tray and behind a chair with a broken back in a plane full of crying babies and smelling of curry! Not at all an enjoyable flight at the time; so this time around, I was pleasantly surprised to see nice wide seats with decent legroom in the compact Boeing 747 I’m flying.

My luck was on a role, I landed a window seat with an empty one next to it and a nice heart consultant on the aisle…
Settling happily in my chair, I was feeling pretty upbeat till a horrible odour drifted towards me, I was a safe distance away from the loo so I couldn’t pinpoint a source until further scent analysis narrowed it down to bad breath (not something I can blame on SA).
Fiddling with the overhead air controls, I managed to create barrier of some kind thank God and I nestled contently in my seat until it was time for the famous, all too scary, meal time.

Beforehand, let me tell you that I’m not a picky person food wise, as my diet consists mainly of microwavable meals and takeaways, to the disgust of my parents and acceptance of my partner, nonetheless, there is a minimum level that airport/plane food has to reach for me to be able to consume. So you can understand that I had a dilemma in choosing to eat or not to eat on the plane and in the case of the former, which of the day’s two options would I go for!

By the time the trolley came by, I was already halfway though writing this blog and I felt that to be just in my assessment, I will have to try the food!
Gathering my courage and mastering the friendliest smile I have, I dared to ask the steward which was nicer, the meat or the chicken (ps: isn’t chicken meat as well?). The wondering surprised gaze I was given would take pages to describe, something neither you nor I have the time for. The reply that I received was even more mind boggling “how should I know?”
Met with that answer I quickly asked of the chicken (at least a defined meat) and prayed for safety!
Two pots of salad, 1 bun (men were being treated to 2!) a tab of butter and another of cheese and the mysterious main course wrapped up in foil.
I started with the salad (not bad, a bit too much mayo but at least fresh ingredients), 2nd in line was salad no 2, a shrimp cocktail thingy (nice, 1000 island souse and a lemon), so starters got an ok 6 out of 10!
Then came the main course, I was unwrapping the plate wondering if I will get the traditional rice, or be faced with the more hip (and potentially scary) pasta! Surprise, surprise it was neither! It was potato balls!! Next to it a breaded piece of chicken and some boiled vegetables (how unusual?!).
Reaching for the salt & pepper sachets, I realized that Syrian air is a caring carrier; they worry about their passengers’ health and knowing that the poor travellers’ blood pressure was probably sky-high by mealtime, they provide the smallest sachets ever, barely enough to give the impression of salt in the food!

A sigh, and I turn my attention the chicken swimming in oil residue, I ‘skinned’ it and made do without the soggy shell altogether! At the halfway mark through the chicken (2 bits later) I discovered a micro amount of cheese in the middle and was able to identify the mystery dish as chicken Kiev!!!

Didn’t even think of trying the dissert (a chocolate thing covered with dark syrup) and I waited for the drinks tray to come by to order a very large tea to help me survive my past ordeal.

Having ran out of things to reads and still having two hours of fly time, I reached out to the pocket in front of me and picked the various printouts there. In my hand were the safety instruction sheet and a promotional pamphlet about different things in Syria.

The safety sheet was your bog-standard one for an Airbus A320 so I put that aside and turned to the pamphlet intrigued to see what is being promoted to happy travellers to Syria! Well, restaurants, lots of restaurants which, after your meal, wont look so appetizing; shopping centres (a recent craze in Syria) and at the end, what I considered my personal cherry on top of the whole ‘fly Syrian Air experience’ cake, SA’s own version of a frequent flyer program! Oh, how I looked with parental pride at this new development by our flag carrier. Of course as a frequent traveller to Syria (as most people using SA) I was very interested until I realized that unless you travel 8 times a year or 4 times two years in a role you wont get anything of much value, at least nothing you wont be able to get if you know someone at the check in desk or at the company (maybe they should rename it to No-Wastah program?)

The one thing that stood up, the sugaring on top of the cherry on the cake was a one liner on the 2nd page detailing the program. Initially I thought that it was a translation error only to discover that it was written exactly the same in both Arabic and English!
So what was that shocked me so much? Well simply the fact that “as a silver card holder you are entitled to a free ticket a year that you can give to a family member, which include your parents, children and WIFE”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See, for Syrian air, there are no female frequent flyers, the idea is just inconceivable; or at least, a woman flying 8 times a year (or 4 times two years in a role) will, for sure, not have a husband to pass that extra ticket to! A woman will only be so pleased with getting one handout ticket a year from her husband!!

Aaaah, returning home never fails to remind me of how well regarded women are in my beloved Syria! But again, in the country of ‘Bab el Harah’ 1, 2 and 3 scheduled for next Ramadan, why should I be surprised?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PS1:
For those of you wondering, the famous Syrian fly that is a specialty of Syrian airways did accompany us on the flight and is, according to accredited sources, a paid employee of SA and a member of the workers union there.

PS2:
If you’re flying SA, DO NOT take an aisle seat unless you’re willing to accept the risk of being burned by hot tea passed over your head without a trey and to put your hopes in the steady hand of the steward and the passengers next to you.

PS3:
You didn’t read wrong, nor did I go crazy, the safety page was for an Airbus A320 and we were flying a Boeing 747! For those of you who might wonder what’s the difference, well, the latter has 2 exists compared to 3 in the former to name one difference! I leave it to the more knowledgeable to detail further ones.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Post PS:
I only used the word ‘Steward’ and not ‘Stewardess’ simply because it would be a more accurate description of the staff serving our beloved plane!

Home Sweet Home

2007-10-15T07:49:00.000Z

Just a quick note to all of you to wish you a happy Eid. I'm spending these days back home so I can't access the blog properly and approving comments and posting new blogs isn't easy so forgive any delays and will be back once I'm in London again.

Salaam to all

SiL

In The Arms of The Angel

2007-10-07T16:58:00.001Z

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel â€œnot good enoughâ€?
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

Waiting for deliverance

2007-09-16T08:13:00.000Z

Some times I feel as if I’m living my life waiting for my life to begin! Waiting to get into college, waiting for college to finish, waiting to get a scholarship, looking forward to completing my degree; waiting to get a job, waiting to buy a house; waiting for love, longing for my life to begin…
A lot of people say that life is in the journey not the destination, that so many people wait their beginning to the grave and miss out on all that matters with their constant waiting and longing and I’ve always tried not to be one of those people; I tried to enjoy every moment and live every day but what can you do with a restless mind and an even more restless soul?
I wrote before about the pursuit of happiness, how you get one moment of joy and spend your life travelling from one peak to the other, eternally seeking the Holy Grail of earthly bliss, and I’m not going against what I’ve written there, I am extremely blessed to have someone I’m walking the road with but is it wrong to ask for more?
I’m writing this blog mostly for myself, I think I need to see my own thoughts in black and white so that I can extract some sense out of them. Why have I chosen such a public space to do so? Beats me, maybe I’m too scared of digging deep into my thoughts alone, or maybe, just maybe, someone out there would have the magic answer to my constant wondering

Tranquillity seems such a far reached dream....

Apocalypto 3 and final

2007-09-08T11:39:00.000Z

So, if you've been following this blog over the past couple of weeks you would realise that an earlier blog I wrote have initiated a heated discussion between 2 distinguished Syrian bloggers, Syrian Brit and Abufares! Seeking an unbiased say and because they did hijack my initial blog in their discussion, they have turned to me, one with inferior knowledge of the over all topic of the film (the final days of the Mayan civilisation) and of the finer details that make or break a film...Faced with such a burden of a task I didn't have a choice but to buy the DVD and watch it, all 139m of it, and was left with a very mixed bag of reactions.Take the historical context of the film aside, the underlying story is one shared across civilisations and times, a young man seeking to return to his home, wife and family fighting against odds to save his loved one! In that the film, while in original Mayan has delivered exquisitely, the body language, the tone of voice and some superb acting by young Jaguar Paw's wife giving birth while trying to save her first born! The anxious look of a trapped victim when someone approaches their hiding place. The combination of camera work and stunning scenery has, for me, contributed to making this film click to some extent; unfortunately, it was only to some extent!!!Films that depict a certain period in human history are always bound to cause controversy, history as we all know is told by the winners and while I couldn't help but understand Syrian Brit's view about the touch of white supremacy in the end and the showing of how barbaric the Mayans were beforehand, I can't completely agree with him. The film is trying to be true to form and whether quoting National Geographic or Wikipedia, the practices shown in the film did happen, the use of religion as a tool to control the masses by striking the fear of God/Gods in them is prescribed throughout human history and to say that it happened in a less brutal way or it should not have been shown in that light doesn't change the fact that it did. In that regard I do apologies for my two good friends here since I wont be able to give you a final saying on that side of the film...So why the hell didn't I just say that in the first 3 lines and not drag on and one like this? well simply because watching the film, I was disturbed by something other than historical accuracy and hidden agendas in the film, what caused me to pause and take a deep breath (which I did a couple times watching the film) is the amount of gore that was shown in the film, if you consider that the film was rated as suitable for 18 and older audience only for the violence content within it, you would understand what I mean! You were asked to see the gushes of blood, be so engaged in the film that you feel you can even smell it and be caught by the spray flying about with each blow. I can understand the need to be realistic but what worries me is that we live at a time when you need to be that shocking on screen in order to reach to your audience. Apocalypto, true to a long line of other films, reflects the psyche of the new generation of audience; we are faced with that gore in the papers, in our daily life and every time we switch on the TV and although disturbing in itself, what is more worrying is that we've grown accustomed to it! We don't react to such images as before, gradually, less and less things shock us and the film makers are picking up that underlying trend and responding by increasing the volume in each new production. It’s becoming a never ending cycle spiralling upwards all the time.This line of thought is not new, when I was telling my friend about watching this film and what I thought of it, he referred me to someone who has presented this argument before. Funny enough it relats to the same moviemaker, Mil Gibson's Passion of Christ! Walter Davis's article reflects on the change in the American psyche since 9/11, "the deadening of emotions" that we flee by an overdose of violence whether that violence was on screen or off! Going back to Apolcalypto, I think I should be grateful that I still cannot stomach that level of violence, that unlike my young niece and nephew, I still feel a bit uneasy at some of the scenes from CSI! And after a long thought, that gratefulness was the overwhelming idea that I ended up with!I'm really sorry SB and Abufares, I told you from the start that great sequences never happen (with the exception of Godfather 2) and this "long awaited" opinion is no difference.I enjoyed this virtual interaction over this film, and that counts as a point in its favour! I think that we should do this more often (films, books) We've already had a musical argument (abufares you remember I think ;-).And now I leave the floor to you my friends.... shoot!

(A reference should be made to a very dear friend who helped me in correcting a number of writing errors within the blog! Thanks dear, you're editorial skills are always welcomed.)

Apocalypto 2

2007-09-08T11:22:00.000Z

abufares said...Welcome Back!You should review movies professionally as your reviews will certainly make me look for these titles.A movie I've seen on DVD recently was able to climb on my all-time-favorite list is Apocalypto by Mel Gibson. If you haven't seen yet, please do. I would love to read your review.27 August 2007 08:16:00 GMT

The Syrian Brit said...Welcome back..I still would love to hear about your trip.. cheesy or no cheesy, we want to hear it all!!..
Abu Fares, I really must urge you to reconsider your view of 'Apocalypto'.. There is no doubt that it is an epic by any description, and I do not dispute its 'artistic' excellence, but it contains so many inaccuracies and and down-right lies it is criminal!..Here SOME links to comments from scholars and experts on Mayan civilization, as well as others..link 1
link 2
link 3
link 4
link 5
link 6
and so on..(Otherwise, just 'google' the word 'Apocalypto', and read some of the reviews..)(So sorry, Syrian in London.. I do not mean to hijack your blog, but I really feel very strongly against the claim that the European conquestadors brought 'civilization' to South America.. What they brought was genocide, starvation, disease, and poverty!..)27 August 2007 19:12:00 GMT

Syrian in London said...Salaam AbufaresI have the film on my to watch list, not at the top though. Once i get there i will look forward to talking about it with you!Salaam27 August 2007 19:59:00 GMT

Syrian in London said...ًWow Syrian Brit, now you're making more eager to watch the film to see for myself as I can't possibly give an opinion before hand.As for hijacking my blog, please feel free at any time :-)
As it happened, your blog about your trip basically summed up all that I wanted to say, and made me think whether this is an expat’s view in general to how things are now back home.
Thanks for the visit & do drop by next time you're in London!27 August 2007 20:28:00 GMT

abufares said...I'm participating in the hijacking process Syrian in London, but please allow me to handle the Syrian Brit mano a mano.
Syrian Brit, I'm already aware of the "few" historical inaccuracies of Apocalypto. I assure you that I believe them to be more of a technical nature.
Link'>http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&ct=res&cd=3&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FApocalypto&ei=oknURprJHouo0gTxgt2pCQ&usg=AFQjCNHNr-mFmoXcoSip7gBU50bwT9GkZg&amp;sig2=qYmfaTCAYb_AR1xk3t69tg">Link 1
I did not find anything in the movie even remotely suggesting that the Europeans brought civilization to Central and South America. Au contraire, in one brief yet potent scene, it conveyed the idea that "from bad to worse". The Mayans,like almost all before and after civilizations used brutality and oppression, politically and religiously. Did it not stir any feelings of deja vu in you. Don't you think we are going through the same process right now?In light of the above, I still love this movie.Please Syrian in London help me out. Watch it soon, write a review.28 August 2007 16:17:00 GMT

The Syrian Brit said...Ya Abu Fares.. Ya Abu Fares.. P-lllease!.. Wikipedia??... I quote National Geographic, and several top archeological experts.. and you qoute Wikipedia?!...I do not dispute that the movie is quite stirring and very interesting from a purely artistic view, but hitorically, it is simply criminal.. My main objection is really to a comment you have made on my Blog, referring to Apocalypto as the best movie ever made about the World history... For a start, the Spanish did not reach America until some 400 years after the demise of the Maya as a major civilization!..And what about the last scene in the movie??.. The serene calm sea, and the Spanish galleons approaching silently and smoothly?.. To me, that suggested that they are bringing peace after the chaos.. civilization to replace brutality and lawlessness.. In fact, the Spanish Conquestadors brought death and genocide, destruction, starvation, syphilis, and other perils!.. and if you want historical comparison.. well, wasn't peace and prosperity to replace oppression and brutality what Bush promised for Iraq?!.. So, yes.. WE ARE going through the same process..As I said before, if this was just another mythical epic, I would have no serious problems with it.. and clearly, from an artistic point of view, it is a fantastic production.. but not as a historical movie..My dear Syrian in London, sorry once again for hijacking your blog.. just tell us to p*** off we outstay our welcome!.. (7akem ne7na ma mnin3ata wish!..)30 August 2007 22:01:00 GMT

abufares said...Syrian BritI interpreted that scene you mentioned differently. I felt that the message meant: "you thought you were in trouble before??? You haven't seen anything yet."I stated on your blog that it's one of my favorite all-time movies and that I consider it the best historical movie ever and I reconfirm my position. Probably, its minor inaccuracies and its superb artisitic qualities made it universal in a sense. It's about civilization and it metaphorically applies to all.31 August 2007 08:19:00 GMT

The Syrian Brit said...Abu Fares,I must admit I did consider your version for interpretting that scene.. However, I felt that was so 'un-Mel Gibson'.. certainly totally unlike the 'new' Mel Gibson, with his new-found religious ideas and beliefs..Nevertheless, I think we are in agreement that the movie is an epic in terms of its impact and artistic excellence. However, I still do not agree that it is a historical document, and I am still of the belief that it contains so much 'White Supremacy' connotations as to make it rather difficult to swallow..I guess that is one thing that we will have to agree to differ upon..Thank you for an interesting debate, Abu Fares.. and thank you, Syrian in London, for allowing us the space to do it.. 01 September 2007 11:44:00 GMT

abufares said...Syrian in London
Shoot us out of our misery. Watch the damn movie, give us a piece of your mind and put an end to our childish squabbles. BTW, it was indeed a good debate.AND, SiL do you like chocolate? Ice cream? m&m's? a good bottle of wine? (p.s. I'm trying to bribe you so that the review goes in my favor)IN TRUTH, SiL... I would love to have all of the above with you :-)01 September 2007 15:31:00 GMT

Syrian in London said...Dear Abufares & syrian Brit, this has been a most intresting discussion & I have already bought the dvd (couldn't wait till I borrow it) &amp; planing to watch it tonight & hopefully comeback to u this weekend.Now abufares, trying to influance me? Shame on u (I love chocolate anyway) ;-)
01 September 2007 16:07:00 GMT

Apocalypto 1

2007-09-07T19:43:00.001Z

Amazing Grace & V

2007-08-26T18:57:00.000Z

It's been sometime since I last been here, I have returned back from Syria after a holiday that left me amazed in a lot of ways and I had so many ideas for things that I wanted to write about in this blog, unfortunately (or fortunately) every time I think of what to write I feel it either too personal or too cheesy to share!

Getting back to work to a diminishing department (due to holidays, sick leaves and market crashes) and an expanding work load didn't really help the creative process either and I ended up leaving my cosy little virtual corner here for more than 2 months!
Having been checked upon by my favourite blogger Abufares, and kicked off my comfy sofa by my other half to get back to this place I finally mastered the will power to turn my PC on and start typing again.

The minor issue of a topic that hindered me for so long was resolved quickly by the happy coincidence (although some argue that there is no such thing) of going on a movie binge yesterday and watching 2 films one after the other, as it happened, I picked one on impulse (from a store called Impulse at Euston station) and the other was a web order. Now as it happens, the two films couldn't have been more different on the outside, Amazing Grace tells the story of William Wilberforce, the man who brought about the end of the slave trade in the British Empire; V for Vendetta a film which depicts a bleak view of the future when the state becomes the instigator of fear as a way to control its subject rather be answerable to them.

I did say that these two films were so different, but there is a common thread that joints them together, over a stretch of almost 200 years, the first recites one of politics finest real hours while the latter speaks of its imagined worst.

Amazing Grace tells of a time, when people had the power and the will to change, when being 24 didn't stop you from being a Prime Minister (William Pitt) and standing against the whole parliament to abolish a trade wich at the time was the equivalent of arms or oil trade these days was something that you dedicate your life to and in the end, after 20 years of struggle, you succeed in doing..

V for Vendetta is almost a negative view of Amazing Grace, it is closer to our modern days, politics is a dirty game and people have lost the will and the spirit to fight. V, our hero masked as Guy Fawkes, is not driven by the good intentions of William Wilberforce but rather pursuing a darker path for revenge. Unknown, unloved and unseen, V's brutality reflects that of his time, his plan that took 20 years in the making is that of killing and destruction; love and tenderness are just words that don't have a meaning in his world.

Both films are strong in their own way, both deliver a message of ideals and struggle. Both reflect the same country but in different times, neither fails to reflect the basics of human decency. Both start from a dark surrounding and end in a blaze of triumph, the first finishes with a hymn and the second closes with a bright V of Victory, Valour and a Vision marked across the London sky.

There are still so many things to say about the films but I just realised that if I can easily stay all night and fill many pages without saying all so I’ll just finish with the words of Amazing Grace, Christian hymn, maybe; gospel music, at its best; exclusive to some, not at all..

Amazing Grace"

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Thin Line

2007-06-20T23:32:00.000Z

How many times have we crossed that thin, gray, unnoticeable line that we have at every corner and in every decision we make? The line between friendship and love, the line between love and possession; the line between missing and obsessing and the line between caring and smothering the other with overwhelming attention?

It is so thin this thin line, and most of the time, we are blinded by what we want we cannot think of what is right and we cross so easily without noticing what we’ve done.

Can you go back once you’ve crossed? Or has that thin line shifting and it simply vanishes once crossed? We’re left with that overwhelming sense of guilt, happiness or loss!

Tricky thin line… will I ever master the art of you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pursuit of happiness!

2007-05-28T13:08:00.000Z

Or should I write “Happyness” as the film is titled? It has been some time since I last watched a film that moved me so deeply and have made me really stop and think about what we all want in life and what we work so hard for, Happiness…

Being based on a true story, a time in the life of Chris Gardner, the film has a different taste to your usual morally strong, socially oriented films. The knowledge that this has actually happened to someone, that the drama is derived from real life and is not a fragment of imagination from a talented writer gives it that much more weight and that much more impact on us outside viewers.

I saw the film for the first time on my way back from Syria, I blamed an already over emotional, over active set of feeling, or maybe a horrible neighbour in the seat next to me, for crying in a plane full of people but then I realised the most of the people on the plane were trying to hide a tear or two after seeing the film! Then I accepted it as the impact of brilliant writing and acting in a very good film, there was that bit of doubt about the liberal artistic changes to the real story to fit the film, that bit more of spices to create a stronger set of feelings in the viewers but the aftertaste remained, hence when the film was out on DVD and I noticed that within the special features added there is an interview with the real Chris Gardner I couldn’t help but buy the DVD and take it home.

I watched the interview before the film and the impact was amazing, realising that there were little, or no, artistic additions to the story, that this man has actually spend nights in train station’s lavatory with his son because he had nowhere to go was shocking. To know that someone have reached that low and then managed to end on top is inspiring to say the least!

We all seek happiness; we all, whether we know it or not, work towards it and have it in our horizon in every direction we go to. A lot may disagree, may proclaim other intentions or other goals but even the most unselfish act one does are aimed to get a sense of self satisfaction and happiness for being able to help someone else.

These days, with all that is happening around us in this crazy world, happiness, very much like that blue bird over the rainbow, is hard to see, hard to find. Even if we’re happy in our personal life, we feel guilty for being happy when so many around us are so miserable, as if feeling happy is something to be ashamed of now. With life being not that simple, all that much cruel and all the more complex; being happy is reserved for simple or selfish people who can ignore that craziness!

But I disagree, pursuing happiness is part of our humanity, one of reasons for our existence, seeking happiness is the thing that drives me to wake up in the morning, to struggle with work and annoyances all day, seeing that happiness in the horizon is what gives me my will to live.

But do we ever reach that horizon? Can we ever be happy? The pursuit of happyness gives you a good clue, that one moment in the end, he calls that time Happiness! One moment when all is well, all is right, that second that is suspended in time is what it is all about! That perfect embrace, that one single kiss, the first time you hold your child or that first time to he says I love you, that is what happiness means. Don’t fall for the illusion that it will be forever and a day, it is not lasting or permanent, that happiness is reserved for that moment, and once that moment is passed, so does the happiness that came with it and all that we’re left with is a memory of that moment, that sweet aftertaste that we remember and desire for a long time to come.

But does that mean that the Pursuit of Happyness is a mirage that never lasts? Some people despair and think that is the case, some see this pursuit as waste or a fantasy that would drive you mad in the end. I beg to differ…

It is that single moment that gives life meaning, you seek it, it comes, it takes your breath away and leave you with an afterthought of warm, sweet pleasure but that is not all that it leaves you with! Like clues to a treasure, each moment of happiness points you in the direction of the one after it. The moment passes, but there is a new horizon and a new rainbow that we seek and work hard to reach, till we get to that new point of utter happiness and so on for as long as we live.

Life is all about that, moving from one point of joy to the other, remembering the ones that passed and dreaming of the ones that are on the way. The excitement of living is that we never know where the next pursuit will lead us, the possibilities are endless and we are pilgrims searching for that holy grail of endless joy. The journey is never easy, most of the time is hard, stone hard, the journey might include sleeping in the lavatory with your child or seeking shelter in a homeless home, but for all that hardship, that moment is that much sweeter and last that much longer.

In this there is the answer to whether it’s worth it or not; is something worth the heart ache, the stress, the struggle? A lucky person would say yes it is, would know that the reward is worth the price and would fight for it. A lucky person won’t take the easy way out and settle for a medium level of semi happiness just because the alternative is much harder. A lucky person would realise how precious this happiness is and realise that for their life to mean something he or she should go down that rocky road for some time to come.

Finally, a lucky person would have someone to seek that happiness with, one of those rare times in life when your walk is not a lonely one, your fight is not a me against the odds but Us against the world, for those lucky few, part of that perceived happiness is involved in the journey itself, for those lucky few, the road is as precious as the moment. For those lucky few, like Chris and Christopher Gardner, happyness is always close by…

Be happy

Fairuz & Music

2007-05-19T14:45:00.000Z

I'm writing this blog and I’m apologising in advance from Abu Fares who have stated before so strongly that he hates Fairuz

Well my dear friend, now, on my weekend in this foreign country, I’m writing this blog while listening to Fairuz in the background and I just discovered that I actually really love her!
I have to admit that my relationship with Fairuz hasn't been going on for long; when I was living in Syria, listening to her in the morning was such a normal part of the day that I didn't even notice it plus the fact that the morning portion of Fairuz was usually early in the day before I wake up!

Then I came to London, and it seems that all expats have to listen to Fairuz all the time, certain songs like Nassam 3alina elhawa (نسم علينا الهوى) are the must for anyone missing home here, and it usually reduced people to tears when listening to it. Well, it didn't have that effect on me! And albeit strong discussions with friends and family, the number one diva for me has always been, and always will be don't miss understand me here, Um Kulthom. Although she's classified as old fashion by the majority of my generation, I’m properly hocked to her voice and her songs...
Back to Fairuz, my relationship with her changed more than a year and a half ago and I have to admit that this change was because of an external influence!

A song is just a song, but when someone tells you what this song mean to them and to you, this combination of words and tunes takes a whole different meaning...
Songs like Ya 7elu sho bkhaf eni dai3ak (يا حلو شو بخاف إني ضيعك) and Ya 2albi la tet3eb Albak (يا قلبي لا تتعب قلبك ) now carry a distinctive meaning and capture a moment in time and a feeling that would otherwise pass unrecorded.
I think that is why some people just can't imagine Arabic music without Fairuz, she has so many of the sweet gentle songs, just what is needed for young affections and tender love whispers to be conveyed in these short melodies to make Fairuz essential for romance in our culture..
I will never dare to claim that I'm an expert of Fairuz, I'm far far from being that and I can still make the people who are, go pale from shock with things that I don't know but for me Fairuz is the voice of a period, of a time, of a memory and for that I will never forget these songs, they are part of me now...

Yesterday, when I started writing this blog, I was listening to a collection of Fairuz songs that belonged to someone so dear to me, that was enough to make me all geared up to talk about her and her music, today, going though the blogs that I follow, I read this blog, the song "Home" is again one that relates to a time and a feeling and now, I’m just listening to the music and a different set of thoughts and emotions is running through my mind...

For the majority of us, music is that, it is the fragments of memories that each song hold, the memory of the feelings that every tunes bring, and for the majority of us, this is what makes us love or hate a song or a singer; few are experts, some are real fans and most are just humans who identify the untouchable with a melody...
Whether it's wanting to come home, wondering how can you live without someone, simply just having a bad day, telling someone what love can do or that one day you'll fly away; a song can usually say it all…

PS: while looking for a picture to put with this post, i run a Google search with the word "Music" and ended up with 957million possible results and 51.3million images!!

Sorry &a bit more

2007-05-05T22:01:00.000Z

I have been away for some time now, more than a month has passed since I last posted on this blog and I know that there was a number of you who commented on various previous posts but for a lot of reasons that would take way too much space I could not reply to you...For them who took the time to read and comment and to you, dear unknown friends, I send my apologies for this prolonged absence.

Thinking that I haven't written anything for some time has led me to think of the question, do you have to write for the sake of writing something? a blog, being a place were we bloggers note down our thoughts and ideas, should never be a commitment as such, it must not become a thing I have to do but should always be something I would like to do. In the end we, the happy bloggers community, aim to share a thought or a feeling or to advise and inform; but do we have a commitment to write? Is it ever a job in that sense? I think, and I hope you agree, that it's not! I have days when I sit in front of my screen and feel the need to communicate with you my dear friends and that is when I open a new posting and start typing. I feel that at those times, I’m happy that I’m talking to you, laughing, or just chatting about the various every day events that I have faced or noticed. I believe the every human has his/her unique way of understanding things and absorbing them (I have said as much before somewhere here) and telling things our way help all of us to gain prospective on life, universe and every thing else* and that is what every blogger aim to do, share, absorb and convey to others what little they have to offer.

The last few weeks have seen so many changes in my life, foundations of a new life have been set firmly on the ground God willing, and I feel that I’m on the verge of something so amazingly wonderful but so unbelievable personal that I want to scream it to the world but can't do yet...

In the last few weeks, I had so many firsts I stopped counting, but every one of these firsts was a moment that is now captured in my memory forever, suspended in time, detached from every day life and secured in the depth of who I am...

In the last few weeks, I've known what it means to belong, to love, to care, to share; what it mean to build a life, to live the dream (if only the beginning of one) and to fly high with the wind beneath my wings...

I’m writing this in such a public place, but at the same time, I’m fooling myself if I pretended not to be addressing it to one person in particular... I’m whispering to you but doing it so loudly across the infinite virtual space between us. Why am I doing that? I don't know but I know that I need to and you know me better than to ask for a reason...

I don't know much, but I know one simple thing, I know that I have the most precious gift a person can have, I know I have a heart beating for me and for me alone and I can never ask for more...

Thank you, for being a friend, a companion and a partner
Thank you for sharing the dream, the road and the trip with me
Thank you for being you, and for not wanting to change anything in me

Thank you...

*Of course from “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

Fish and Chips

2007-03-14T18:37:00.000Z

No, don't worry, I'm not going to tell you about how tasty this variety of fast food is (although it is) nor how you're not considered to be British if you don't like/love it (although you're not) nor that it is advisable to eat F&C at least once a week according to the owner of the restaurant I recently discovered (although I highly doubt this one to be true!!). No what I want to tell you about is a series of happy coincidences that led me the other day to enjoy an authentic/Syrian F&C in the heart of the England’s garden!

For those of you who don't know what F&C is, just imagine a KFC and change the chicken with a nice piece of cod fish (boneless) and it is usually accompanied by a medium sized portion of larch chunky chips that you're suppose to have them with a pinch of salt and some vinegar (non of that continental mayo and ketchup!)

As you can imagine it is the warmest thing (besides a curry) you can have on a cold night and that is exactly why I just followed the secant of chips one evening coming home late from work and really not in the mood to cook (actually heat something in the microwave) or order a delivery that will arrive way too late for my bedtime. So back to a calling smell that I have been noticing just outside the remote train station that I return to every night and law and behold, a new F&C place just across the street! Nice outlay, clean and most importantly a very friendly face behind the counter, after a short thinking pause (do I really need the extra inch around my waist) I walked confidently into the store and order a slandered portion of England’s best! it took some time for the fish to be cooked (yes it is only fried after you order it!) and I started chatting with the owner, nice middle age English lady that told me that they have only just opened up for business and that you should eat F&C at least once a week.

During the conversation, the man working the frying pan said nothing, at first look I guessed Greek, and there was a definite Mediterranean look to him. Once my Cod fish was done and I was eagerly waiting for it to be rapped, the lady exchanged a quick look with her husband and then asked me where I’m from. Replying that I was from the Middle east (to avoid the embarecment of explaining where Syria is!) she went to ask me from which part, slightly surprised I answered Syria (a well informed F&C owner I have to say) to be even more astonished by the question that followed, which part of Syria?!! Ok, my newly acquainted F&C owner has travelled/heard about Syria before, so when I replied by saying Damascus, I was completely taken off guard with the guy turning to his wife and telling her, I told you so!, then turning on to me and asking me in an unmistakable Shami accent, which part of Damascus (only a Shami will ask that question) I was speechless and the guy realised that and went into introducing himself, ****** from Salhieh, I returned the introduction for him to tell me, in the usual authentic shami style, "yes of course I’ve heard of the *** family, very well known!"

My newly acquainted friends were a Syrian guy who has came to this country and married this very nice British lady 15 years ago! off course the conversation could have gone on for a lot longer but they had customers walking in and I was about to miss my last bus home so I quickly said my good byes and walked back to the bus stop.

It was a really nice F&C, anyone visiting me will get the chance to try it, but what was more striking is the commercial sense behind opening such a place just outside a train station to catch all the weary travellers like me, the adventure that my new acquaintances have followed to end up in this quite corner of the English country side, it amazes me how far people will go or what they will do to follow whichever dream they have.
I don't know why Patricia & Imad have ended up opening a Fish and Chips restaurant in Kent but whatever greater power at work that led my steps there one cold winter night, I know that now I will try at least one F&C a month, not for the healthy side of it but for the much more important side of having a nice late night chat with a fellow Salhani and his lovely wife...

Come and enjoy an authentic Syrian F&C at Pine Lake's!

How do you know?

2007-03-12T00:06:00.000Z

How do you know that you love someone? It’s not only by the good times that you share together but by the bad ones too.

You know when you pass through that time of emotional paralysis were you can’t feel and don’t want to feel anything, when it’s so easy to just open the door and walk away and he understands that, he just stays away, give you your distance but at the same time stay close enough to catch you if you fall, he’ll surround your emptiness and patiently wait till the emptiness is filled again with all that you share.

You know when you cry for no reason but he knows that you need to cry, and he won’t tell you to stop, he won’t tell you that you’re being silly and that tears don’t solve anything; he will just hold you close and allow your tears to run freely on his embrace.

You know, when you realise that your tears, no matter how silly the reason is, are never wasted, are never shed in vain because they just water the love he holds inside for you, he just builds a world that is just for the both of you where nothing is hard, no pain is too great because he just there making the pain go away…

How do you know? When you realise that you don’t have to make sense all the time, because he’ll always know what you mean, when you know that you’re never alone, never again because you have him in your life all the time.

That’s how you know…

Syrian Bloggers: Free Kareem

2007-03-01T08:28:00.000Z

We, as a community of Syrian bloggers, condemn the arrest and sentencing of Egyptian blogger Abdel Kareem Nabil Soliman for the peaceful expression of his dissenting views. We ask the Egyptian government to reconsider its decision to arrest and prosecute Abdel Kareem. The stated reasons for their action include the preservation of the public peace and state security, and the prevention of incitement against Islam. We contend that his arrest will achieve neither. Silencing such dissenting voices as Abdel Kareem’s, serves only to strengthen the hands of extremists who will not shy away from violence to achieve their goals. Moreover, we remind the Egyptian government that his arrest and prosecution violates at least two articles (see below) of the 1948 United Nations universal declaration of human rights to which Egypt was a signatory. Relevant United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights articles: Article 18. Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance. Article 19. Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.Such rights for freedom of expression are also enshrined in the 1990 Cairo Declaration on Human Rights in Islam and the 2003 Universal Declaration of Human Rights by the World's religions.
Signed by,
Abu Kareem Ayman
The Syrian Brit
Sham in Ashrafieh
Fares
Yazan
Sasa
Omar
Ammar
Philip I

My "racist" views, An Arabic woman whinge...

2007-02-25T16:53:00.000Z

I’ve been working in this country for the past two and a half years and before that I worked in

Syria

for roughly the same period so is it strange that now I have a preference to working with British co-workers or have I been completely brain washed during my stay here?

The whole question came when an Arab colleague wondered by my desk on Friday and decided to check out my blackberry! So without too much introduction he picks it up and starts flipping through the various menu options until he gets to my inbox! Now he must have realised by my slightly stressed tone that I was a bit annoyed but did that stop him at any point? No! And he handed me back my phone with a sly note that he hasn’t seen anything!

Now how do I know that no English colleague would ever do this in a million years? Well maybe because one of my closest friends at work, who admired my previous XDA-Exec and was planning to buy one has actually asked me out for dinner in order that I show his the ins and outs of the device at my leisure and during the whole time never went from one feature to the other without asking for my permission first? Maybe because my boss once noticed my phone flashing with a new e-mail has turned it face down so not to allow anyone including himself to even glance at it!

During my time working in this country I have come across a mix of Arab and non Arab workers. The pattern that I noticed every time, with all the people that I have worked with is the respect that I get from all except my “Arabic speaking group”! With me being one of the few Arabic woman working in this environment, it was staggering, to outsiders as well as to me, to see the patronising behaviour towards me and towards any Arabic female arround. the reaction was the same whether it was the one who was raised in this country since he was a child or the one who is here for a short time. Nationality differences among that group accounted for one exception; Algerians were the most civilized by miles while the rest were unbelievably … what’s the word! Arab!

I was talking to another friend and when I told him, I prefer to work with British and he was astonished with my note. I realised after saying that that I was more “racist” than the majority of the people I work with but maybe my judgment is clouded by my personal experience.

Maybe this is a horrible view that I’m adopting, maybe it is not the same for other places and with other people, maybe I irritate them with my freedom and they consider me as someone who has sold out her origins to merge into the British society. And to be honest, the majority of my friends here are British; I enjoy the fact that I can chose how close or how far I want to be with people without a long winded explanation of why I want that. I enjoy the freedom of expressing my thoughts and ideas without judgment of other or society. I don’t have to conform to be part of the group, I go out with my colleagues after work for a quick drink down the pub but they all know that I get high on my tomato juice and after the first time they offered out of courtesy they don’t need to ask or insist anymore. I can talk to my Brazilian friend for hours about everything and anything and so can she without worrying about how she’ll look at me the following days.

A lot of people think that to live in a foreign country and keep your identity you have to keep your society within you! I read a post some time ago objecting to the racism of the locals in that country, well why do all Arabs, and sorry to generalise and please jump in and tell me not all are like that, think that the whole world has to accept them as they are? Why do we not tolerate other people’s view and expect them to tolerate ours?

British people are considered one of the least accepting among other nations yet London is the most diverse! Why? Because their britishness include allowing for individuality, that is the sacred pack that they all share. Be what you want to be because you want to, respect other’s freedom and they will respect yours. Prove your worth in what you do, and they will respect you even if they hate your guts! It is strange that I feel more liberated to display my Arabic, Islamic me in London than in Damascus! Here, I’m not written out as a hardliner extremist who should tend to her religious education and seek the happiness and obedience of marital bless just because I ware a scarf! Compared to the reaction that I had in Syria when I took that step with people suddenly talking to me about marriage and commitment rather than career and education!

And maybe that is why my Arabic “friends” feel the urge to prove their role as guardians of the weaker less capable female countrywoman. They still carry their society within them; they still see that I disgrace them when I go with the guys for a drink or travel on my own to another city to attend an English league football match! They probably shake their heads and think with a sorry expression how my parents are allowing me so much freedom or maybe they worry that I’m too much of a rebel and can undermine their traditional protective role that they’re so used to.

The funny part in all of this is that I never used to feel that while I was working back home! It’s as if you somehow get used to the notion that you will be treated differently because you’re from the gentler sex, and the shook only kicks in when you’re here being expected to put as much as anyone else, and using the “I’m to gentle to do this” is the worst career move you can ever do! I sometimes worry how to readjust when I return to Syria, if and when I return, to this lucid reality of gender differentiation. To be back at a work place where all are like my “Arab colleagues” and non are like my British ones! Where respect is related to calling all as Mr x or Mrs y and nothing more, where you have to wait outside the door for a paper to be signed by the manager rather than jock with them about last night’s TV! What a scary notion that is!

Tell me, have I lost my identity because I feel like this? Have I sold out to this new country that I’m living in now? I don’t know and I’m not sure that there is one right answer for this. Whether there is a right answer to begin with or is it something each one us wonderers who live in two world, love two world and belong to two world has to figure out on our own!

Love is all arround

2007-02-17T18:37:00.000Z

Well, Valentine day was last week, the streets were filled with people rushing around with red roses, red balloons and presents wrapped in red paper. In a place that is usually very serious, it was funny to see all these highflier City executives with a seriously concerned look on their faces worrying about choosing the right present for the day!

This made me remember a blog that I have drafted ages ago but never gotten around to publishing till now; with love all around, at least for one day, do we still believe in it? Does the notion of romantic love remain a reality or is it just a caption of our imagination with no real existence in the everyday life?

If you ask someone who has just started a relationship, who is still in the pink period, then the answer will always be yes, Romeo and Juliet’s kind of love is alive and well! Ask someone who just ended a relationship and you will get the line that love is just a myth, a way to dress up a primal desire with a more civilized way.

As for me, helpless romantic by nature, tell me that love is a myth, I will tell you, you’ve never been in love before, tell me that love is worshiping the grounds that someone else tread on, I will tell you, you haven’t been in love before! Love is not walking hand in hands in the moonlight, or melting with a single touch from that wonderful other… no my friend, love is simply waking up in the morning and thinking how lucky you are to have that special one, the one that is special just for you, the one that everybody else will think that you’re a bit crazy to be with…

Love is not liking his good qualities; no, love is accepting the horrible ones and knowing that no matter how hard you try you will never change them until one day you realise, it is these small annoyances that make them special in your eyes!

Love is not melting into someone; it’s walking with them by your side, getting so used to them you even forget that they’re there but you tread the road with that bit more of confidant!

Love is accepting the hurt with the happiness, knowing that your days won’t all be filled with smiles and roses and that sometimes you will feel the pain crunching you to the bone.

So many people I know refuse to allow love into their life because of the hurt it will bring them. Preferring a “free” and painless life to a “messy” and draining one, they will always tell you about this person who had their hearts broken by falling in and out of love!

The question is love worth it isn’t easy to answer; some people can live their lives easily ignoring love and disregarding even the notion of it. Can one judge such life to be better or worse than that of us eternal lovers? I thought that the answer was always yes, they don’t know what they’re missing but now I realise that this is not true, the answer is much simpler than that, they haven’t chosen to ignore love, because no one can, they just haven’t fallen in love yet!

It is amazing to meet someone who have lived his or her whole life away from this basic emotion but when you realise that falling really in love is not an every day occurrence, it is not every time we feel some twitch in our hearts towards someone, it’s not every crush or each brief encounter; falling in love is something that happens to you only once in your life, if you’re lucky enough to meet that special someone!

People don’t choose not to fall in love, they just chose not to follow the mirage every time and it is only the real thing standing in their way that will open their eyes to a whole new reality.

Knowing the difference, I stopped trying to convince people that you can’t live your life high and dry without love. Now I realise that when the moment come, and I pray it comes to all of you who read this, they will follow that new reality no matter where it takes them. Love will sneak up on them without any warning and without any of the usual commotion. One day they will wake up and realise that they’re so lucky to have that someone in their life and know with such confidence that they want them to walk the rest of the road by their side, that the way will be that much easier, that the happy moments will be that much happier and the sad ones that much easier because they’re not alone. They will wake up every day to the hope of a softer, sweeter tomorrow and with that special one they will always follow that tomorrow.

Happy Valentine…

Feel the rain

2007-01-27T18:47:00.000Z

Feel the rain on your skin
no one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips

These words, funny enough, were part of an add on the TV but somehow the lyrics hit a cord that I’ve been searching for for so long; people can tell you a thousand times how something should be, how something should feel but then no one other than you trying it will give you the real meaning that you’re searching for.

We talk to people all the time, they try to pass their experiences to us and we try to explain to them our own visions and feelings but then how can things like, love, loss, passion and life be explained in words? How can someone describe his most intimate thoughts to others in words and words are so limited? How can they listen and understand what you mean when no one can take anything in without adding to it from their own pool of thoughts, ideas and feelings making the story that is told unique to every listener and never what its author intended it to be…

It’s been sometime since I last updated this blog, busy at work and with family it’s been hard to sit and let the words flow by with so many things happening and at the same time, with the conscience of knowing that there are people who will be reading these words (the only reason to have a blog is to have it read!) it was a bit difficult thinking of how to put the million things going through my head in words but then I heard this song and realised that no matter how hard I try, every one who reads this will read it in his or her own way and it will mean such different things to each one of you dear friends… when I want to write about love, loss, passion and life, you my friend will read the words in your own way and with your own experiences feeding into it and that what makes it so exciting, knowing that the same lines will be received in so many different ways…

This time, I don’t have much to say other than we can all talk about everything and anything but you will only know when you try it yourself….

So go out, and feel the rain

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Oh, yeah, yeah

Peace and Good will to all man kind

2006-12-24T12:00:00.000Z

(The photo used in this post is by a friend, more of the same can be found here)

It’s the holiday season and I managed to get the 3 odd days between the Christmas and New Year’s off so I was planning a long, relaxing holiday with the people I care about the most. That was until I received a call telling me that my parents have managed to get a ticket and are flying over next week! A bag of mixed reactions landed in my lap, Wow, I love how things are done in Syria, I was trying to get a ticket to fly home for the holiday but the cheapest thing I could find was £500+ (way out of budget) while my parents were able to find tickets within 24 hours from getting their visas! My house, which has been getting the shorter end of the stick with regards to my spare time is in real mess, now every where I look, I can just imagine my mum shaking her head in dismay at her “not so domestic oriented” daughter while my dad gives me his disapproving look for the garden fence that I haven’t fixed yet! Ouch, the list is just building up and my long awaited relaxing holiday has just gone up in smoke.

Yet, I can’t help but think how lucky I am, I’m warm at home with my family coming over for Eid/New Year’s while some 70K+ people were stranded in Heathrow in the freezing cold for the past few days trying to get back to their families and loved ones in time for Christmas! The newspapers were filled with stories of stranded parents and shivering children forced to spend the time sleeping on the cold floor of Heathrow Terminals with minimum facilities, what a cheerful Christmas this will be for them.

All over the world, the importance of being with your family & loved ones at this time of the year is paramount, it is not restricted to the people who believe in Christmas or celebrate it but just a universal need to spend the last few hours of the year with the ones you care about the most. Near or far, all feel the urge to cuddle up in the arms of those closest, and thinking of the year that passed with all its ups and downs and the year ahead with all the mysteries that it holds. And the world slows down for these last few hours and you get a sense of breathless anticipation for that last stroke of Big Ben announcing to everyone that a year has passed and a New Year is born.

This will be my 4^th New Year in London, but the years before when I was home seem so far away I can barely remember how they passed or what I did then, but since I arrived here, each New Year was filled with the promise of things to come, of adventures to live and mountains to clime. 2003-2004 was the first, I have been in the UK for 4 months by that time, had exams a couple of days after new year’s and suffering a every bad case of heart ache, 2004-2005 was the first new year after I started working in the City, I was still trying to figure out if I made the right decision leaving old stories behind and closing so many doors in order to follow this new life that I knew nothing about in England. 2005-2006 was a very strange one, I managed to get the time off and flew back to Syria but my return was scheduled for 3am January 1^st, so after a rather weird evening listening to Khadam on Al-Arabia with my mum and dad, I drove to Damascus airport, eerily empty at the first hours of the new year and spend the time struggling with a very antiquated PC trying to talk to my friend in Japan. Till today the “Damascus Airport Messenger” still brings smiles and tears to my eyes at the same time!

So, 2006-2007 I wonder how will that one be, off course I wont know till next week, what I know is that 2006 was the happiest and the hardest year in my life, so many things have changed, so many important dates to remember throughout the year. The foundations of life-time changes were laid during this year. A whole structure for the future has been put in place, ripped apart and then rebuild over and over again. Never has a year passed me so quickly, yet so slowly at the some time, it is exciting when one experiences Relativity first hand! So this New Year’s eve should be interesting as well as I try to celebrate it with people spread across 17 time zones (from GMT+9 to GMT-8) it will be one long party!

Merry Christmas to you All, and for all of you trying to get home, best of luck and I do pray for a special miracle so that you spend this time with the ones you love…

Long week…

2006-12-16T16:21:00.000Z

Long week… this past week was defiantly one of the longest that I had since coming over to the UK. You know when files seem to be pilling faster than what you’re running through and each day you end up with a larger pile, a longer to-do list than the day before and more e-mails to read? Well this week was one of those.

Every day I have to wake up around 6am (pitch black as sunrise is still a couple of hours away at this time of the year) and leave home just before 7 to catch the “moody” bus that takes me to the rail station on time for the 7:14 to London Bridge. You see old faces, passing warn-out places (Mad world, Tears for Fear) heading for another day of hard work, constituting the all famous commuter community around the great capital.

I don’t think that you can be classified as a proper Londoner if you don’t commute at least 30-40 minutes to work every day while hoping against hope that National Rail, London underground or the various bus drivers unions don’t decide to go on strike on that day or even not bother showing up to work that day. This being always more than a strong possibility in this city that the most used excuse for being late to work is “train is running late” or “a fatality on the line” (a favourite of the exposed tube lines on the outer skirts of the tube network).

I talk to friends living in Germany, France and far away in Japan, and I’m always astonished by the notion of buses that run on time down to the second, air conditioned trains and stations that are kept to the highest standards of cleanliness and security! Do I live in a first world country or on a different planet?!! The comparison won’t be fair between, say France and Syria, but you would assume that London is not that far behind!!

It’s funny that when everyone in the capital city jumped at their desks when London was announced as the city for the 2012 Olympics but the first thought after the joy of defeating the French was that: how the hell will we handle the extra couple of million people that will flood the city with venues for different events spread from Stratford in the east to Richmond in the west some 70miles across the capital, ouch! But what the hell, it’s all worth it for beating Paris …

For me, the daily trip is a time to think of the day ahead, what new things will find their way to my desk over the next 9 hours? Feeling intrigued and weary at the same time I just allow a warm voice to tell me that all will be ok and that for every long day, there will be a trip back the same evening and I’ll be one day older, one pile of work over and a different to-do list for the following day.

That warm voice keeps me going day after day, week after week, guiding me through the complex composite of the modern life in this city.

London is a cold place, compared to the natural warmth of Damascus but I’m lucky to have my voice, for the walk is not that lonely in its company….

Hidden beauty

2006-12-09T17:14:00.000Z

“There is so much hidden beauty in the world”, I’m not sure if this is a line I heard once in a film or read in a book but today while having a conversation over the MSN with a friend it came to me how 99% of people fail to see that beauty around them.

We were talking about enjoying the feast of the senses that some situations offer, a nice meal with wine and a soft blues music in the background, listening to a classical piece or enjoying a wonderful sunset. What I realised is that most people think of the grander gestures and magical moments when looking for this world beauty failing to realise that it’s not the surroundings that make the difference but the allowing your mind and senses to see what runs under the surface in your day to day life.

While he was describing his ideal “feast for the senses” settings, the dinner scenario, I thought of an evening a couple of days before when I was returning from work, and had to wait at a nearly deserted bus stop in a sleepy small town outside London trying to stay warm with the chilly autumn wind. Most evenings, I would try to pass the time reading my book or playing Brickbreaker on my BlackBerry, the latter being highly addictive, but that night I had finished one book on the way to work in the morning and my mobile was on the last bit of battery power in it so I had to settle for my ipod and wait half cold, half board for the bus when the angelical voice of Katherine Jenkins’s “House of No Regrets” flowed in and suddenly the night was filled with magic, the scent of falling leaves, the paled moonlight trimming high clouds moving slowly across the heavens under the spell of the night breath. For 15 minutes, the world exploded with beauty and the senses that were buried deep under the day’s work flexed outwards to embrace that magic.

One of my favourite writers once said, in not so many words, sense and conscience are like a Japanese paper fan, most people live with this fan opened to one fifth of the full circle, but sometimes, something (or someone) happen and your conscience and senses open up to that full beautiful circle and you see that hidden beauty running just under the face of the world, undetectable by the majority but available for all who seek it.

A couple of nights before, waiting for the R2 bus to my house in the sleepy country, that fan opened up. A moment that washed over my tiered mind, a memory that is so dear and precious.

Thank you Katherine…